How to make sure your child gets all the playing time they deserve

Are your kids involved in athletics? Do you worry about the amount of playing time they are getting? Is their coach unfair in the way he determines the amount of game time your child receives? I’m starting a series on raising an athlete. Today I want to share with you the secret to getting your child all the playing time they deserve. I’ve spent the last 40+ years of my life playing, coaching, and parenting in the world of athletics. And I’ve come to the conclusion parenting an athlete might very well be the most challenging of all the aspects in athletics.

Being an athlete has its moments. Every athlete has experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. I know as a coach there have been moments I felt my head or heart or both would explode. Each role can be incredibly wonderful and extremely frustrating. But both the athlete and the coach have some level of control. Each has direct opportunity to impact the way a game is played or a season unfolds.
A parent however, and especially the higher up the athletic ladder your child climbs, has little to no say in what happens on a field of play. Sure when our kids are little and we are helping with their T-ball team, we have some control. But as they move into middle school and high school athletics, unless we happen to be on the coaching staff, our input and influence diminishes greatly.
If you are reading this post in hopes of gaining three practical tips for handling your child’s &$%@* coach, then you are going to be disappointed. Let me give you the sobering truth. In your child’s lifetime they will have many different coaches – especially if they are multi-sport athletes. Very few of those coaches, if any, will be great. Most will be ok and many are likely to be awful. Of course some parents spend a lot of time and money to hand select the best coaches and programs – but that carries its own unique challenges.
Athletics is a great opportunity for your child to compete, have fun, learn about people, and grow in multiple ways. It’s also an incredible source for teachable moments. But the greatest impact on your child will be how you help them journey through the experience. Playing time complaints tend to fall into three categories:
• My child’s playing time
• All kids should get equal playing time
• The better kids should play more so we can win
If you child believes the reason they are participating is playing time and winning, they will spend these years in the shallow end of an enormously deep pool. Don’t get me wrong, I like winning. Over the years I’ve won more than I’ve lost. But I want my kids to know there is so much more to gain from athletics.
The secret to getting your child all the playing time they “deserve” is stop evaluating the season by playing time. It doesn’t mean there won’t be time a meeting with the coach is necessary (more in a future blog). But help your child embrace the joy of being a part of the team. Even with an awful coach, your child can get something positive by being a leader or supporting a teammate. And there is a difference between an awful coach and an awful person. As a parent, especially of young kids, I won’t expose my child for a full season to a coach that crosses certain lines. I’m talking about things that have nothing to do with shooting a basketball or throwing a football (more in a future blog as well).
I’ve had frustrating years. I’ve watched my child work harder, have a better attitude, learn all the plays, make all the practices and still not get the amount of playing time she “deserved”. There were times I wanted to explain a few things to the coach. James 4 reminds us why we quarrel and fight; because we desire but don’t have. We justify our rage in the name of loving our child. Often our child is fine – we are the one’s struggling because of our expectations. Learn to lovingly support your child, not by helping them complain, but rather by helping them understand their experience is about way more than just playing time. As Paul reminds us in Philippians 4, the secret to being content and getting what you deserve lies not in more playing time, but in this: “13I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
What struggles have you faced as a parent with your athlete? Any situation you wish you would have handled differently?

Why the Best Marriages Fight With Each Other!

It may sound like a crazy idea, but it’s true. The best marriages fight with each other. Of course, what’s important isn’t the fight; it’s what they fight about. I remember when we were young parents with young children. In addition to raising our kids we were business owners trying to make it in the pizza industry. We were TIRED! Do I hear a collective “Amen” out there among you parents of infants?

                  Try keeping up with these two… “exhausting!”

Maybe you’ve experienced that familiar scene. Your baby hasn’t slept all that well throughout the day. She’s a little cranky (Yes Alyse, I’m talking about you). You are looking forward to finally getting her to bed so the two of you can visit and get a good night sleep. Your visit is short because you’re both exhausted. The minute your head hits the pillow you’re out. Your dream of sandy beaches in Hawaii is suddenly shattered by the cry of your baby.

In the name of full disclosure, there “might” have been times I pretended to not hear the baby and laid perfectly still in hopes Kelli would wake up with our child. But as I began to grow up and our marriage strengthened, it wasn’t unusual for an argument to break out. Only the argument went a little like this:
Kelli: “I’ve got her.”
Me: “No, I’m happy to get up.”
Kelli: “No, you’ve got a long day today.”
Me: “No, you barely had any sleep last night.”
And you get the idea.
The best marriages fight. But they fight on behalf of their spouse. Shanti Feldhahn in her latest book which I highly recommend, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, shares a similar idea. In a chapter titled “Keep Score”, she says, “Consciously or subconsciously, partners in highly happy marriages keep score of what they “owe” their spouses.” Then, she says, they will make it a point to “compensate” their partner.
So in the same way that Kelli and I would fight on behalf of each other, Feldhahn says the happiest couples keep score, but they keep score of all the good things their spouse has done. Of course half the battle, in the busyness of life is to just notice all the things your husband or wife is doing for your family. Too often out of our selfishness we keep track of what we’ve done and carry grudges. That’s a guarantee for trouble in a marriage.
Instead, what would your marriage look like if you each were trying hard to never “owe” the other person – to out give them? Rather than keeping track of the things they haven’t done, you notice what they have done. I promise if you both do that, arguments will break out as you wrestle to out give your mate. But that’s a fight that will lead to a strong and healthy marriage.
Have you and your spouse had any of these “fights”? We’d love to hear about them.

How My Husband Saved My Son From Surgery

In the hospital he was known as the “Dishwasher Kid”!

It was the phone call every parent dreads. We had left our daughter Jordan(17) in charge of getting the kitchen cleaned and supervising her four younger siblings. Not due to any horseplay, Keila(11) fell onto a ten inch knife sticking up the wrong way in our dishwasher. We got the call, for the first time in raising our eleven kids, we were headed to the emergency room.

Good Morning!! Grab your coffee and join me for a short break!

After about four hours of assessment, the pediatric surgeon came in and said ,”This is what we are going to do…” She explained how they were going to open up Keila’s abdomen for exploratory surgery. Keila was doing fine, but they wanted to make sure there was no internal bleeding or more importantly a puncture of the intestines. Without hesitation, David spoke up directly and confidently, “Isn’t there anything a little less invasive that could be done?”

I immediately think, this is the doctor you’re questioning. I was also a little concerned they’d question our motives for not wanting our child to be taken care of. After all, our son is laying there with a stab wound! At that moment, I looked at David and had to answer a very important question. Was I going to support my husband in this conversation?

Before I share the end of the story, I want to share five reasons why parenting out of a deep one flesh relationship is so important, especially in a crisis.

1. The best decisions are made from a unique blend of both our wiring. Each of our perspectives are shared, heard and taken into consideration as we are faced with storms, crisis or simple decisions that must be made.
2. Trust and respect for each other allows you to come up with options that weren’t even being considered. Brainstorming within a safe and trusted relationship means the sky is the limit to how we will approach and respond to all this life will throw at us…even a stabbing of our son by the dishwasher.
3. Storms have the potential to build intimacy. During our parenting life, we used the hard times to work at staying connected. We tried to listen well to each other, making sure we love and respect each other. Especially when it would be so easy to do the opposite.
4. Accountability to do the right thing. Who can’t be nice and honoring to your spouse when everything is peachy? The storms of life give us a chance to treat each other well but also to resolve differing opinions in a way that we can support each other especially if we make the wrong decision.
5. Lastly and most importantly, we have incredible opportunity to bear the image of who God is. People are watching us… our kids, the hospital staff, and strangers. Many had front row seats to how we were responding to each other and to the staff as well as to Keila.

They were able to come up with a less invasive option. Keila didn’t have surgery. Today he’s totally recovered from a damaged spleen. As important, I have never been so grateful for my relationship with my husband. We are a good team…and I am so thankful we had an opportunity to honor each other in a very tense and serious situation.

Have you had one of those times when you and your spouse had to trust each other in making a hard decision? How did it go? What did you learn?

5 Things Every Man Must Do To Lovingly Lead His Home

Everybody has an opinion about men. Men need to grow up. Men need to lead. Men need to just love their wives. According to the bible men are called to be servant leaders of their home (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Cor 11:3). How we live that out has caused mini wars between men and women for thousands of years. Men, here are 5 things you must do.

Men ~ Our families are looking to us for leadership!

1) Do the right thing – The bible says this;
He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God – Micah 6:8
It takes a courageous man to act justly no matter what. Part of leading is doing the right thing even when it’s hard to do. It often seems simpler to lie, or cheat, or ignore the truth. Godly leadership does the harder thing… the right thing. It’s a matter of integrity.
2) Love mercy – We are to act justly, but we are to love mercy. The love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” Do the right thing… but do it with love. Leading your family sometimes requires tough decisions. But the heart of the Godly man is love for his wife and love for his children.
3) Courageously Confront Evil – Leo Tolstoy is credited with the quote, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing”. Part of being a Godly leader is the willingness to confront evil. The message we model to our wife and kids when we do nothing about evil in our sphere of influence weakens their view of our commitment to truth. Men like William Wilberforce, Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Martin Luther King, Jr. give us models of confronting evil at the risk of everything.
4) Die for your wife – We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church (Christ died for the church). Much is made of the call for women to submit to their husbands. It’s interesting more isn’t made of the call for men to die for their wives. A couple of years ago we heard the story of a newlywed couple. One night the roads were icy. This couple’s car slid over an embankment and down a hill. They got out to assess the damage when another car did the exact same thing. They were standing behind their car when the second car came barreling down the hill right at them. Alert, the young husband shoved his wife out of the way just as the second vehicle came crashing into their car. The young man was crushed between the two vehicles and died. Many men are prepared to give up their life to protect their wife or kids. But are we willing to die daily for our wives. In other words, to put to death our own agendas and serve our wife. Jesus called us to be servant leaders. That’s what real men do when leading their families.
5) Lead – I know. Sound’s ridiculous. But the key to leading is to intentionally lead. Seek direction from the Lord. Then be bold and courageous as you cast vision for your family. If your marriage needs help you take the lead. If you need help in parenting then you take the lead. If finances are a problem you lead the way. If your family’s health isn’t where it should be then you set some goals for your home. And spiritually, you assume the role of pastor and lead your family.
Obviously for those who are married, this all happens in partnership with your wife. And remember, it isn’t about perfection it’s about being faithful. You won’t always do it right, you won’t always show mercy, you won’t courageously confront evil every time, you won’t serve your wife perfectly, and you’ll drop the ball when it comes to leading. But be faithful to keep at it. Men, what has been the hardest part of leading for you? And wives, I’d love to hear some stories of how your husbands have been servant leaders in your home.

My top 10 Reasons I Hate to Spank My Child and 3 Reasons I do it Anyway!

10)      It hurts me more than it hurts them – often used as a punch line in parenting circles every parent knows the truth of this statement. It’s hard to inflict pain on someone you love so much. And of course our child’s comeback to this statement is, “but not in the same place.”

9)        It might be illegal (It’s not in my state of Washington)

8)        It’s hypocritical – Why am I spanking my kid for hitting another child?

7)        I’m afraid to hurt my child – I may want to punish my child for disobedience but I don’t want to hurt them

6)        It’s child abuse (never an option!!!)

5)        What will people say?

4)        My child will grow up violent

3)        My child is going to be afraid of me

2)        I want my child to love me

1)        It’s unbiblical

 

From the earliest days our heart is to lead them well

There aren’t many topics that can ignite passions like spanking. Both sides have “experts” with well thought out arguments on the use of corporal punishment. I have no delusions of grandeur. This blog won’t deliver the final word on the topic. I know some reading this have some deep seeded wounds that prevent them from even considering the use of corporal punishment. While I can’t completely understand your pain, I wrestle with many of the same concerns others grapple with.  Given time I could probably list 100 reasons I don’t like spanking. I’ve given you 10.

But let me give you three reasons I still choose to spank.

1)      It’s effective – when my child was willfully defiant, spanking was the quickest way to correct the behavior and restore the relationship. Research is clear that punishment is very effective at modifying behavior. I’m not aware of any study specifically on spanking, but done correctly its use would certainly fit in the category of punishment. Remember we are never talking about child abuse.

Hebrews 12 says this, ¹¹ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We are talking about bringing pain (a sting) in order to train.

2)      It actually strengthens my relationship with my child – we know when the same person bringing the punishment also brings the positive experiences, it actually strengthens the relationship. The key to effective disciplining, whether we’re talking time outs or spanking, is to communicate the heart of discipline which is love. My first job was to make sure my kids knew exactly what was expected of them. Then when they willfully disobeyed there were consequences. But they knew nothing would happen until they heard these words, “I love you too much to let you act like this. To help you remember what to do the next time, I’m giving you a spanking.” So I never worried they would be afraid of me. It didn’t send a mixed message because they knew they weren’t being spanked for hitting they were being punished for disobedience. And being calm enough to say those words help ensure I would never spank them in anger.

The relationship with my kids was deepened not damaged. Some of the sweetest moments were praying with my kids after they repented and apologized for their disobedience. I’m close with my kids today, not in spite of, but in part because of, our willingness to discipline.

3)      It’s consistent with God’s word – I don’t believe the bible mandates spanking. By the same token I think it is a long stretch to declare the bible prohibits spanking. Or to suggest because Jesus never spanked a child we shouldn’t spank a child. Read carefully Hebrews 12:3-11. The heart of this passage is a loving father will discipline his son, to the point of bringing pain. Not because he hates him, but because he loves him and desires the best for him. Yes, we need to be wise and operate within the laws of our state. But to love someone enough to do something you don’t want to do in order to ultimately benefit them is by definition the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12).

Spanking has somehow become a lightning rod in the church. I would ask that we choose to love and support each other in this high call of parenting. It’s the largest single task you will take on in your lifetime. It’s also among the most important. When we disagree on the specifics of parenting, let’s intentionally pray for and support one another. I’m curious what your experience has been… growing up and as a parent with spanking? Any suggestions or tips for other parents?

3 Ways to Keep Technology from Wrecking Your Parenting

If you’ve ever wondered what to do about technology in your family, then I’m glad you’ve joined me. Good Morning Friends! Happy Wednesday!!

Koffee With Kelli

Let me ask you a question. Does technology have an effect on our relationship with our children? In an article I read this weekend, they begin to actually do the research to answer that question. I do not want to micro-manage technology.  I do think about this as uncharted water. We don’t know all the ramifications technology will have on our family relationships long term.  We can guess. We know how it feels to try to get someone’s attention when they are too preoccupied with their phone. 

In response to being ignored, many do the same thing – if you can’t beat ‘em then join ‘em. And if you are the parent doing the ignoring, you might give your child the Ipad so you can finish on Facebook. We rationalize the use of technology; it helps us get things done and still be with our kids. But, stop and consider what’s really important as you think about the legacy you will leave. Here are some things to ponder and then act on.

1) Technology is not going away. It is a neutral part of our life. It can be used for good or evil. 

We have to control it so it enhances and protects family relationships. We love to Skype with our grandchildren who live across the country. We can read, sing and be a part of important milestones with them. When distance is involved it’s a game changer. Military parents have watched children be born or receive their diploma.

Technology expedites the details of life (setting appointments, communicating information, research) we otherwise would have to pay for, hire, or leave our home to do. We can figure out home repairs, learn to play an instrument, or diagnose a simple health issue.

Of course it can also expose and feed the addiction of pornography, gaming, or social media. It’s easy to get caught up in the constant drive to have the latest and greatest technology. It can even put a strain on the family budget.

2) Game plan with your spouse (if you’re single maybe use a mentor). How will you protect your family so technology benefits rather than undermines your vision?

This is an important first step of the process. Invite the influence of your spouse and listen to each other. Your plan will have a greater chance of success if you both have been heard and are ready to support each other. Ask the question, “Is there anything I can do to help you with our vision?” Come up with a plan and agree to revisit this subject on a regular basis.  

3) Have a family meeting. Ask the questions, “What kind of a family do we want to be with technology?” And, “Do you think technology is good or bad?” Have them explain.

The American Association of Pediatrics has recommendations pertaining to screen time. It is important know those for your children. Different ages have different needs because of brain development and growth.

Talk about unplugging in shared living spaces such as the dinner table and the family room. Ask about being on the phone while together in the car or watching your child’s game. What about walking around the house with headphones on your ears? How much total screen time does your family want?

I’ve barely scratched the surface. There is so much to consider in this area of our family’s life. I hope this gets the conversation started. I’m curious. What kinds of challenges have you faced with technology? What type of rules has your family come up with?

 

 

 

What to do when you disagree with how your school is dealing with your child

Whether your child is in public school or private school, chances are the day will come when you won’t like how a teacher or a principle deals with your child. And if that doesn’t happen (which it will), there will come a time when a school policy or standard procedure will cause your blood pressure to rise. What do you do then?

Graduation is fun! Getting there can be challenging for parents.

•  Is it illegal and immoral –as opposed to a decision you simply disagree with. There is a wide range when it comes to decisions we disagree with. It can be as simple as, “I would do that differently.” Or it can be an emotional, “That is so wrong. There is no way what they are doing is the best way to handle kids.”
• Consider the 50% rule – we normally hear about these differences from our children, it is important to pre-determine how you are going to handle this information. We had a teacher during a September open house tell us parents, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll only believe half of the things they tell me about you if you’ll only believe half of what they tell you about me.” That’s funny, but it’s also a great reminder. We don’t always get the full story from our children.
• Remember the principle of investing – The more you invest into a school or a classroom or a teacher, the easier these conversations become. Number one because you have a relationship. But more importantly, they know you are for them! They won’t simply write you off as another whiny parent. Maybe they shouldn’t do that in the first place, but the reality is your child’s teacher is human. Even the best educators have a finite emotional bank account just like the rest of us. Too often, that account is drained dry by well-meaning but sometimes over protective helicopter parents.

By the time you walk in their guard is up and they’re braced for a fight. But if you’ve just run the Valentine’s Day party or helped read to her students she’ll know you’re there to help. Now you are set up to be heard. After all, the goal isn’t to simply vent. The goal is to affect change.

And finally, we found if we approach the teacher with the attitude of, “how can we help?” Any last defenses will be dropped or at least lowered. Say something like, “I want to help. I’m trying to understand your decision to move my son.” Or, “You know I’m on your side. I was a little confused when Johnny came home and told me he was no longer on student council.”

Then if your facts are correct and you still don’t like the decision, we’ve taught our kids:

The Art of the Appeal

Simply put there are four parts to an appeal:

• Characterized by being obedient… in other words make sure your child typically listens to the teacher and isn’t a pain in the you know where.
• A respectful approach… not demanding consideration but requesting it.
• New information or perspective… this isn’t simply asking the question again, instead it’s bringing something new to the conversation
• Handling the new information… no matter what the teacher or principle decides, we are going to accept it, support them and move on.

This doesn’t guarantee you’ll never be frustrated again. What it will do is give you a game plan the next time a situation like this comes home. How have you dealt with frustrating situations from school?