How to raise kids that are HONEST and KIND with each other.

Our oldest daughter was the first to leave home for college. A thousand miles away she called us. “Mom, dad,” she said, “My professor is 180 degrees diametrically opposed to everything you’ve ever taught me.” We had to think quickly. If we over-reacted she might never feel safe in sharing the truth with us again. If we didn’t react at all, she might think we actually agreed with her professor. It was time to practice what we’d always preached.

When Ephesians 4 speaks of growing mature in every way it says we must, “speak the truth in love.” But many times one or the other pulls for our affection. If we’ve been hurt, we want truth. We want the hammer of justice to come down hard on the person who has wronged us. If we’ve done the hurting then we say, “God is love. You have to forgive me.” Which is right? And the answer is… yes!

Teaching our kids to be HONEST and KIND isn’t done overnight. Here are six keys:

• You must model it. You knew that was coming. If you two are screaming at each don’t expect your kids to be nice to each other. Or how about this one. Have you ever said seriously, “don’t tell your father”?
• Be HONEST. This is like the first one. You must practice being truthful to your kids. When they are young do you tell them little “white lies” because it’s easier than the truth? It’s ok to say, I’ll tell you more when the time is right. But to say, “I don’t know” if you do, or “they were out,” when they weren’t, eventually catches up to you. Tell them the truth, even when it’s hard.
• Be KIND. I remember the days of yelling at my kids. Most of the time, I was probably right. They should have listened or stopped or done what I asked. But as we learned to parent with a gently and loving voice we began teaching our kids kindness. Because true kindness isn’t just when everything is great. In fact you can discipline nicely. “I’m so sorry you chose to do that. We really wanted you to be able to be with us, but now you are going to have to stay home.”
• Place value in HONEST and KIND. If you’re like me you’re going to mess up with your spouse or your kids. If it’s important, then it’s important enough to say I’m sorry, please forgive me.
• Teach them what to say and how to say it. Teach your kids phrases for how they might approach a hard conversation. If they need to tell someone something truthful but hard, coach them up.
• Use family meetings and after dinner conversation to cast vision. Family meetings are great opportunities to ask, “What kind of a family do we want to be.” It’s hard to always be honest, but if you’ve decided together as a family, “We are going to do this,” it’s way more likely to happen.

It’s almost a lost art to speak truth in love. As a culture we are angry. So when we speak truth we feel justified to do so in anger. Ephesians 4 doesn’t give you license to be “brutally” honest with those closest to you. On the other hand if we choose to be kind we assume it means we can’t be honest. Instead let’s teach our kids to be HONEST with each other and to do it with KINDNESS! How have you seen this lived out in your home? What helped your kids live out Ephesians 4?

5 Things That Made Our Bi-Cultural Marriage Work

“You’ve got to be kidding me!!!” That was my reaction the first time we spent the night at my in laws with our first-born infant!! Even if you don’t have to deal with a bi-cultural marriage, I’m glad you’ve joined me. I think there are lessons in this for all of us. Grab some coffee and let’s talk.

I learned early on that things were going to be different than I was used to

I was exhausted and anxious, as most new moms are. I put the baby to sleep so I could enjoy some adult time before I went to bed. A couple hours after the baby went down, David’s sister came home from work and headed straight back to where our baby was sleeping. She picked her up and brought her out to enjoy some time with her!! None of his family seemed at all surprised or bothered and immediately asked to hold her!! I was horrified!!! I had never seen this in all my years of babysitting, childcare, or with my extended family.

David took one look at me and excused us to the back of the house. Just as I was about to unload on how wrong and inconsiderate his sister was, he interrupted me. He gently said, ”I will support you 100% with how you want to handle this. You clearly disagree with what just happened. All I need you to know is my family loves this baby. They will care for her like their own. I will tell them what you want me to. You just need to know what we decide will influence the relationship they will have with our children.”

I took a deep breath and said, “OK. Can we at least say whoever wakes the baby up has to get them back to sleep?” David quickly agreed.

I never got up with any of our 8 children when we slept at my in laws. Our kids were deeply connected to and loved by their grandparents, aunties and uncles.

Here are 5 things that have successfully grown our healthy bi-cultural marriage:

1)   Learn about the culture. Listen to the music; take in the art, the food, the celebrations, superstitions, religion, history, clothing, and views on raising children, marriage, birth and death. Think about what strikes you as really interesting and/or unique. Visit the country if at all possible.

2)   Get in touch with your own family/country of origin. When you marry into anther culture, you can feel insecure about not knowing much about your own history. Marrying David helped me to ask more about my own roots and learn about where I came from. I sensed a new pride in my roots.

3)   Talk about the cultures being different rather than right and wrong when compared to your own. This one practice prevented many an argument. I became aware of how I spoke, as I pointed out things I did not understand. My worldview not only widened but was enriched by living within another culture

4)   Decide together to take the best of both cultures and incorporate them into your family. Ask yourselves, “What do we want to do in our family?”

5)   Lastly, be excited, proud and happy to share with others who are interested in your spouse’s culture. It honors not only the culture, but your spouse and helps to contribute to a highly successful bi cultural marriage.

The fruit of this will be your children as they fully embrace their heritage and legacy. They will be richer and the world will be better for it. What differences did you have to work out in your marriage? What helped you both work through it?

Why the Best Marriages Fight With Each Other!

It may sound like a crazy idea, but it’s true. The best marriages fight with each other. Of course, what’s important isn’t the fight; it’s what they fight about. I remember when we were young parents with young children. In addition to raising our kids we were business owners trying to make it in the pizza industry. We were TIRED! Do I hear a collective “Amen” out there among you parents of infants?

                  Try keeping up with these two… “exhausting!”

Maybe you’ve experienced that familiar scene. Your baby hasn’t slept all that well throughout the day. She’s a little cranky (Yes Alyse, I’m talking about you). You are looking forward to finally getting her to bed so the two of you can visit and get a good night sleep. Your visit is short because you’re both exhausted. The minute your head hits the pillow you’re out. Your dream of sandy beaches in Hawaii is suddenly shattered by the cry of your baby.

In the name of full disclosure, there “might” have been times I pretended to not hear the baby and laid perfectly still in hopes Kelli would wake up with our child. But as I began to grow up and our marriage strengthened, it wasn’t unusual for an argument to break out. Only the argument went a little like this:
Kelli: “I’ve got her.”
Me: “No, I’m happy to get up.”
Kelli: “No, you’ve got a long day today.”
Me: “No, you barely had any sleep last night.”
And you get the idea.
The best marriages fight. But they fight on behalf of their spouse. Shanti Feldhahn in her latest book which I highly recommend, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, shares a similar idea. In a chapter titled “Keep Score”, she says, “Consciously or subconsciously, partners in highly happy marriages keep score of what they “owe” their spouses.” Then, she says, they will make it a point to “compensate” their partner.
So in the same way that Kelli and I would fight on behalf of each other, Feldhahn says the happiest couples keep score, but they keep score of all the good things their spouse has done. Of course half the battle, in the busyness of life is to just notice all the things your husband or wife is doing for your family. Too often out of our selfishness we keep track of what we’ve done and carry grudges. That’s a guarantee for trouble in a marriage.
Instead, what would your marriage look like if you each were trying hard to never “owe” the other person – to out give them? Rather than keeping track of the things they haven’t done, you notice what they have done. I promise if you both do that, arguments will break out as you wrestle to out give your mate. But that’s a fight that will lead to a strong and healthy marriage.
Have you and your spouse had any of these “fights”? We’d love to hear about them.

How My Husband Saved My Son From Surgery

In the hospital he was known as the “Dishwasher Kid”!

It was the phone call every parent dreads. We had left our daughter Jordan(17) in charge of getting the kitchen cleaned and supervising her four younger siblings. Not due to any horseplay, Keila(11) fell onto a ten inch knife sticking up the wrong way in our dishwasher. We got the call, for the first time in raising our eleven kids, we were headed to the emergency room.

Good Morning!! Grab your coffee and join me for a short break!

After about four hours of assessment, the pediatric surgeon came in and said ,”This is what we are going to do…” She explained how they were going to open up Keila’s abdomen for exploratory surgery. Keila was doing fine, but they wanted to make sure there was no internal bleeding or more importantly a puncture of the intestines. Without hesitation, David spoke up directly and confidently, “Isn’t there anything a little less invasive that could be done?”

I immediately think, this is the doctor you’re questioning. I was also a little concerned they’d question our motives for not wanting our child to be taken care of. After all, our son is laying there with a stab wound! At that moment, I looked at David and had to answer a very important question. Was I going to support my husband in this conversation?

Before I share the end of the story, I want to share five reasons why parenting out of a deep one flesh relationship is so important, especially in a crisis.

1. The best decisions are made from a unique blend of both our wiring. Each of our perspectives are shared, heard and taken into consideration as we are faced with storms, crisis or simple decisions that must be made.
2. Trust and respect for each other allows you to come up with options that weren’t even being considered. Brainstorming within a safe and trusted relationship means the sky is the limit to how we will approach and respond to all this life will throw at us…even a stabbing of our son by the dishwasher.
3. Storms have the potential to build intimacy. During our parenting life, we used the hard times to work at staying connected. We tried to listen well to each other, making sure we love and respect each other. Especially when it would be so easy to do the opposite.
4. Accountability to do the right thing. Who can’t be nice and honoring to your spouse when everything is peachy? The storms of life give us a chance to treat each other well but also to resolve differing opinions in a way that we can support each other especially if we make the wrong decision.
5. Lastly and most importantly, we have incredible opportunity to bear the image of who God is. People are watching us… our kids, the hospital staff, and strangers. Many had front row seats to how we were responding to each other and to the staff as well as to Keila.

They were able to come up with a less invasive option. Keila didn’t have surgery. Today he’s totally recovered from a damaged spleen. As important, I have never been so grateful for my relationship with my husband. We are a good team…and I am so thankful we had an opportunity to honor each other in a very tense and serious situation.

Have you had one of those times when you and your spouse had to trust each other in making a hard decision? How did it go? What did you learn?

5 Things Every Man Must Do To Lovingly Lead His Home

Everybody has an opinion about men. Men need to grow up. Men need to lead. Men need to just love their wives. According to the bible men are called to be servant leaders of their home (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Cor 11:3). How we live that out has caused mini wars between men and women for thousands of years. Men, here are 5 things you must do.

Men ~ Our families are looking to us for leadership!

1) Do the right thing – The bible says this;
He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God – Micah 6:8
It takes a courageous man to act justly no matter what. Part of leading is doing the right thing even when it’s hard to do. It often seems simpler to lie, or cheat, or ignore the truth. Godly leadership does the harder thing… the right thing. It’s a matter of integrity.
2) Love mercy – We are to act justly, but we are to love mercy. The love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” Do the right thing… but do it with love. Leading your family sometimes requires tough decisions. But the heart of the Godly man is love for his wife and love for his children.
3) Courageously Confront Evil – Leo Tolstoy is credited with the quote, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing”. Part of being a Godly leader is the willingness to confront evil. The message we model to our wife and kids when we do nothing about evil in our sphere of influence weakens their view of our commitment to truth. Men like William Wilberforce, Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Martin Luther King, Jr. give us models of confronting evil at the risk of everything.
4) Die for your wife – We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church (Christ died for the church). Much is made of the call for women to submit to their husbands. It’s interesting more isn’t made of the call for men to die for their wives. A couple of years ago we heard the story of a newlywed couple. One night the roads were icy. This couple’s car slid over an embankment and down a hill. They got out to assess the damage when another car did the exact same thing. They were standing behind their car when the second car came barreling down the hill right at them. Alert, the young husband shoved his wife out of the way just as the second vehicle came crashing into their car. The young man was crushed between the two vehicles and died. Many men are prepared to give up their life to protect their wife or kids. But are we willing to die daily for our wives. In other words, to put to death our own agendas and serve our wife. Jesus called us to be servant leaders. That’s what real men do when leading their families.
5) Lead – I know. Sound’s ridiculous. But the key to leading is to intentionally lead. Seek direction from the Lord. Then be bold and courageous as you cast vision for your family. If your marriage needs help you take the lead. If you need help in parenting then you take the lead. If finances are a problem you lead the way. If your family’s health isn’t where it should be then you set some goals for your home. And spiritually, you assume the role of pastor and lead your family.
Obviously for those who are married, this all happens in partnership with your wife. And remember, it isn’t about perfection it’s about being faithful. You won’t always do it right, you won’t always show mercy, you won’t courageously confront evil every time, you won’t serve your wife perfectly, and you’ll drop the ball when it comes to leading. But be faithful to keep at it. Men, what has been the hardest part of leading for you? And wives, I’d love to hear some stories of how your husbands have been servant leaders in your home.

What 31 Years of Marriage Has Taught Me

Koffee With Kelli

Good Morning!!

Hope your coffee is hot and your morning is quiet just for a few moments!! This past Wednesday marked our 31^st wedding anniversary!! As I reflected over these years the first thing that came to my mind was gratefulness to God for how he has used David to shape me into who I am today.  Not only has he been a mirror to all my baggage, but he has willingly, lovingly and bravely stepped into places and joined God in helping me confess, reset and focus on how my Heavenly Father is growing me.

I believe that next to my relationship with Jesus, our marriage has been the single biggest factor in who I am today.   Instead of being mad at my husband for helping me see my sin, I have invited him into a very intimate, holy place in my heart to again, give me perspective, motivation and energy to face how God is growing me.

Now I know what you are thinking, ”Maybe you could trust your husband in this place, but no way could I trust mine!” I know this is a scary place for many women today. Not to mention, in many times not even a consideration. But the reality is this: we must refocus our marriages to bear the image of Christ.

31 years later… I love being married!

What does this mean, to bear the image of Christ? It means to help each other die to all that keeps God from doing His great work in us. It means being able to say, “I am sorry, will you please forgive me; and lastly, how can I make it right?  When we begin to reenact the gospel, we do many important things. One, the enemy is thwarted in his efforts to come between us. Two, God is able to continue His important work in us as individuals and even more importantly as a one-flesh team that battles for the Lord in our families and in the world. Three, God is light and hope in our marriages for a broken world to be encouraged by.

Oh dear sisters, are we excited for our daughters and sons to be married?  Are we modeling not perfect, but healthy marriages? Do we talk about what God intends for marriage?  Are we preparing our children to be spouses and parents out of an overflow of their genuine relationships with Christ?

Thank you David… for allowing God to use you to grow me…. I love being married… to you… my lover, my best friend… my knight in shining armor… Happy Anniversary!!

Fresh Beginnings

Some of you have been with us for a while. You know everything is different. Our website is different, our blog is different… it looks and feels different than our old site. New things can be frustrating and even irritating, but new also means fresh beginnings… a chance to start anew. Growing up we would play a game on the playground (it didn’t really matter what game). When it was your turn, if you messed up you’d ask for a “do over”. A chance to wipe the slate clean and get another chance. It’s actually a great metaphor of what God did for us when he sent Jesus on our behalf, but that’s for another blog! This fresh start is a do over for us. We hope to do some things different – better! Here’s what you can expect:

*Regular weekly blogs – you will hear from us each week as we discuss marriage and parenting issues that confront us today.

* We will have a regular feature, “Coffee with Kelli”… grab a cup of coffee and read some practical tips for moms from Kelli.

* Short video messages – we plan to share an occasional video short

* Re-posts – unfortunately with the change we were unable to transfer over all of our old blogs, so we will periodically re-post some of our favorite old posts.

* And more… we have hundreds of questions on marriage and parenting collected from messages and our live conferences. On occasion we will answer those questions here. We would also like to hear from you… what would help strengthen your marriage… what would bless your parenting? Let us know.

This past year we’ve added three new grandbabies – fresh beginnings! Nothing cries hope like a newborn baby. Today we feel like we are birthing a new baby with our new website and blog. Our hope is you will visit us often and consider subscribing to our blog. Our prayer is to be a blessing to you and your family.

Our website is http://www.pritchardministries.org or email us at pritchardministries@gmail.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you~

David & Kelli