Do you know the secret ingredient in every healthy family?

In our experience working with hundreds of families, there is one common denominator in every family that is considered healthy. Yes, that’s a big statement and yet in another sense it’s not a big surprise. Especially as I write this on the eve of Easter. Tomorrow we will celebrate what Jesus Christ did on the cross for each and every one of us. The bad news of the gospel message is because of sin we face a broken relationship with God. The good news of the gospel is the cross makes it possible for that relationship to be restored. That is the Easter celebration!

John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s the gospel message and we can talk more about that another day.

Family relationships can get very complicated

Healthy families, whether they realize it or not, have learned to re-enact the gospel with each other. Healthy families have learned the secret of forgiveness. Every relationship in your family will eventually be broken. It happens because we are human, because we sin, and because we are selfish. Eventually we will hurt each other… guaranteed!

The only question is what we do next. Healthy families, even if they deny the existence of God, learn to follow God’s example. No, we don’t have to die on a cross; Jesus already did that for us. But we do have to apologize, repent, and ask for forgiveness. And then, we have to be willing to extend forgiveness when we are the one wronged. Books have been written on the subject of forgiveness. Let me give you five reasons why it’s so important for families to practice the art of forgiveness.

• The bible clearly instructs us to forgive one another. As God has forgiven us we are to forgive one another. To keep clear with each other isn’t just a good idea, it’s God’s idea.
• We miss out on parts of the relationship when we are burdened with un-forgiveness. When our relationships are tense, it’s hard to enjoy the good things happening in the family. How do you celebrate a victory or an award your sibling receives when there is bitterness in the air?
• Forgiveness is good for the forgiver. Someone once said to withhold forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. Our motive to forgive should be obedience and love of God. However, to carry around un-forgiveness does indeed eat away at us.
• It prepares us for the coming storms. Every family experiences storms. Your family’s ability to successfully weather the storms increases exponentially if you have practiced the principle of forgiveness. You personally could find yourself at the eye of the storm. If you have unresolved conflicts with the rest of the clan it’s hard to reach out to them for support. We have an e-book coming out shortly on family storms.
• There is an enemy and he will do anything to keep you from forgiving one another. The last thing satan wants is a for a watching world to see a family modeling the gospel message with each other.

This Easter season, be grateful for the forgiveness we find in the cross. Then, practice forgiveness with those in your family. Do you need to apologize for something? Do you need to forgive someone? Do it today.

We are moving our blog and website one more time in the next several days. It shouldn’t affect anything on your end, but just in case we wanted to give all of you a heads up. Thanks for reading and please share this with a friend.

 

The most important character quality to teach your child athlete

 

I (David) remember the scene well. Our oldest son Tavita, was crouched on the sideline with his head down. He was discouraged after losing our third game in a row. After a promising start to the season, he was taking more than his fair share of the blame for our losses. Now he didn’t feel like he could face our fans for the post-game thank-yous.

Celebrating with Tavita after beating our rivals just 2 weeks after the devastating loss

Maybe you’ve heard it said; athletics teaches character. Or perhaps you’ve benefited from the teachable moments sports can afford. Or you might be that parent intent on using athletics and not letting athletics use your kid. Regardless, have you ever considered what the most important thing you want your child to take away from athletics? At the very least, what is the one critical character quality athletics has a way of teaching your child, perhaps better than anything else?

In athletics, as in life, you need character. Certainly we want to teach our children Godly character. Sports is a great place to learn things like hard work, teamwork, diligence, sacrifice etc. But these character qualities require one particular character in order to be lived out – and that’s the character of self-control. Think about it, we know what we need to do; we just need the self-discipline to actually do it. If your child isn’t interested in athletics, whatever activity they are involved in, make sure they’re learning self-control.

Here are some practical ways for your athlete to learn self-control:

• Go to practice – make sure they go on time and ready to work especially when they don’t feel like it. Once the newness and excitement of joining the team leaves, what is left often times is the self-control to keep at it.
• 24 Hour Rule – After a loss or a big win we gave our kids 24 hours to deal with the emotion. They couldn’t be mean or disrespectful, but we allowed them a little space to process and get control.
• Partner with their coaches – We know you are going to struggle with some coaches (read our blog on coaches). Be wise but don’t rescue your child every time they disagree with what the coach has done. Often the character gained is far more valuable than the playing time they missed.
• Let them know you are in their corner – in the story I told above, I wanted to help Tavita escape embarrassment, but I knew it was a defining moment. I told him there would be better days. I also told him I’d go with him. We loved going to watch our kids when they won. But we knew it was more important to be there when they lost or if they got beat out or when they were discouraged.

We love athletics and what it has taught our kids. We’re not happy with some of the ways it seems to be trending. We continue to believe it’s an incredible tool to teach your child character… especially if you have the self-control to journey through it with them.

What was the greatest sports moment for your child? What was the hardest? What was your response?

5 Questions to help you through those Tense Talks with your Teenager

I (Kelli) could feel my heart begin to beat harder. I’m sure there was sweat forming on my brow. My high school freshmen daughter was sharing the discussion her teammates were having on the bus ride home from their game. The conversation had been graphic and sexual.  She had questions about what these girls were saying.  She was trying to process all she had heard. I kept thinking, “This isn’t exactly how I wanted her to learn about these matters.”

Maybe you’ve experienced something like this or maybe you’re worried one day you will. What do we do when our teenagers come to us with “shocking” information? Like the time my son told us kids at school had offered him drugs. What do you say?

Parenting exposes us in so many unique ways.  Sometimes the things our teens present us will push on areas we might be struggling with or feel inadequate in or simply unprepared to address.  

I am way better if I have a chance to process with David and think through my responses. But sometimes, like on this occasion with my daughter, I didn’t have time for either.  She wanted to know truth. And it’s not that we hadn’t considered the tension in teaching sexuality because we certainly had. But suddenly I was presented with a hard conversation and no time to prepare.

When these moments happen, and they will, here are five questions to have ready. They will help your teen process what is going on and more importantly help them begin to learn how to process independently. After all, the goal is for our teens to be self-governing and be able to navigate these waters without us (but that’s a topic for another blog). Keep in mind this isn’t an exhaustive list. These will just help get you started.

1. What do you think is the right thing to do? 

 

2. What parts of this can you own?
3. How can dad and I help you?
4. What does God think? Do you mind if I pray for you?
5. What do you think dad and I think about this and why do you think we have landed there? 

Again, there are certainly more and perhaps better questions. The point is, how we respond when our teen comes to us will determine whether or not they come back the next time. Practice saying, “That’s interesting, tell me more,” and “thank-you for inviting us into this with you.” 

This privileged place is not permission to lecture or to tell our kids what to think, but rather to really listen and learn what they are saying to themselves about what has happened. How much better when they ask us, “Mom, dad, what do you think?”

 And remember, it’s not just behavior we are after, we are after the heart of our teen, and that too is a topic for another day. What has been the most shocking news your teen has brought to you? What did you do when it happened? We’d love to hear from you.

How to raise kids that are HONEST and KIND with each other.

Our oldest daughter was the first to leave home for college. A thousand miles away she called us. “Mom, dad,” she said, “My professor is 180 degrees diametrically opposed to everything you’ve ever taught me.” We had to think quickly. If we over-reacted she might never feel safe in sharing the truth with us again. If we didn’t react at all, she might think we actually agreed with her professor. It was time to practice what we’d always preached.

When Ephesians 4 speaks of growing mature in every way it says we must, “speak the truth in love.” But many times one or the other pulls for our affection. If we’ve been hurt, we want truth. We want the hammer of justice to come down hard on the person who has wronged us. If we’ve done the hurting then we say, “God is love. You have to forgive me.” Which is right? And the answer is… yes!

Teaching our kids to be HONEST and KIND isn’t done overnight. Here are six keys:

• You must model it. You knew that was coming. If you two are screaming at each don’t expect your kids to be nice to each other. Or how about this one. Have you ever said seriously, “don’t tell your father”?
• Be HONEST. This is like the first one. You must practice being truthful to your kids. When they are young do you tell them little “white lies” because it’s easier than the truth? It’s ok to say, I’ll tell you more when the time is right. But to say, “I don’t know” if you do, or “they were out,” when they weren’t, eventually catches up to you. Tell them the truth, even when it’s hard.
• Be KIND. I remember the days of yelling at my kids. Most of the time, I was probably right. They should have listened or stopped or done what I asked. But as we learned to parent with a gently and loving voice we began teaching our kids kindness. Because true kindness isn’t just when everything is great. In fact you can discipline nicely. “I’m so sorry you chose to do that. We really wanted you to be able to be with us, but now you are going to have to stay home.”
• Place value in HONEST and KIND. If you’re like me you’re going to mess up with your spouse or your kids. If it’s important, then it’s important enough to say I’m sorry, please forgive me.
• Teach them what to say and how to say it. Teach your kids phrases for how they might approach a hard conversation. If they need to tell someone something truthful but hard, coach them up.
• Use family meetings and after dinner conversation to cast vision. Family meetings are great opportunities to ask, “What kind of a family do we want to be.” It’s hard to always be honest, but if you’ve decided together as a family, “We are going to do this,” it’s way more likely to happen.

It’s almost a lost art to speak truth in love. As a culture we are angry. So when we speak truth we feel justified to do so in anger. Ephesians 4 doesn’t give you license to be “brutally” honest with those closest to you. On the other hand if we choose to be kind we assume it means we can’t be honest. Instead let’s teach our kids to be HONEST with each other and to do it with KINDNESS! How have you seen this lived out in your home? What helped your kids live out Ephesians 4?

Lessons From Our 242 Birthday Celebrations!

July 2^nd is the birthday of some very notable people; among them, Thurgood Marshall, Ron Silver and Jose Canseco. But in the Pritchard home, July 2^nd is Kelli’s birthday (and no, I won’t tell you which one it is!). I will tell you, since we’ve been married, combined with our children, we’ve celebrated 242 birthdays!!! Along the way, we’ve learned a few things and I’d like to pass some of them on to you.

• Life is a gift from God – ok not exactly earth shattering news, but as you reach each new milestone personally, you realize what a precious gift each day is. You also learn to never take another year for granted!
• People make the day special – I tried to think back to gifts I’ve been given over the years. It’s scary how few I can remember after having over 50 birthday parties! However, the relationships I’ve developed over those same 50+ years are what make life so sweet.
• Invite who you want to invite – this one might not affect most of you. But we learned early on, we had to give permission for people to invite whichever of our kids they wanted to. I think some were afraid if they invited one then they had to invite the lot! This isn’t a lesson specifically tied to birthdays, but it seems to be a lesson highlighted during birthday celebrations. What happens when someone gets invited to the party and someone else doesn’t? To avoid this today you aren’t even allowed to hand out birthday invitations at school. I know kids can be mean and we should do all we can to prevent that… but we’ve lost the ability to be happy for someone else unless we get the same thing. Parents have been known to take their child to the public amusement park where the party is being held because their kid wasn’t invited. We’ve tried to use birthdays and specifically celebrations to be another place where we teach our kids to be excited for the one receiving the blessing… especially if I’m not getting the same thing. It’s been a hard lesson at times for our kids.
• You are special – again not earth shattering, but we try to make sure the birthday boy/girl knows they are special. Little things during the day help… breakfast in bed if possible, we have a red plate that says, “I’m Special”, they get to pick their favorite meal for dinner, or we’ll try to do something as a family they want to do. Kelli loves getting her nails done and going for a walk.
• Say no to birthday wars – at the risk of sounding judgmental we chose to take ourselves out of any type of birthday competition. When our niece got picked up in a limousine, we knew from a practical sense if not a philosophical sense we were out. There is nothing wrong with extravagant birthdays and we feel blessed when one of our kids gets invited. We just had to practice what we preached… it wasn’t a competition and we would be happy for those who were able to do more than us.
• Words of affirmation – perhaps the most important thing we do takes place right after dinner (the one they chose!). Normally after dinner we go around and everyone shares one good thing from their day. On birthdays, we go around and everyone has to share something they love or appreciate about the birthday boy/girl. You might have to prep the younger ones… otherwise there can be a very awkward silence after you ask the question, “What do you love about Johnny?” This particular practice has become even more special as our kids have gotten older. Our adult children now Skype in to add their thoughts to the after dinner pronouncements.

Lastly may I take advantage of my audience and say how grateful I am for the person whose birthday we are celebrating in our home. She has been such an incredible partner and friend. I wish I could take her to Hawaii for her birthday, she deserves it. Instead I know she’ll love being reminded she’s a gift from God, special to us, and being affirmed by her family. By the way, the dinner she chose was Black Angus… of course it might be because we have a gift certificate! I can’t wait to hear all the affirmations her kids will have for her.

Who’s Coaching the Coaches?

“A coach will impact more young people in a year than the average person does in a lifetime. So who’s coaching the coaches?” ~ Billy Graham

So who’s coaching the coaches? What a great question! According to the research the high school coach is the most influential voice in a young person’s life. You may take issue with putting a coach ahead of a parent in the influence department. But regardless of whether the coach is first and parents are second or vice versa, it accentuates the truth; the high school coach is an incredibly significant voice in a teenager’s life today!

One of my greatest gifts was the opportunity to coach my own children.

Here I’m hugging Tavita after a big high school win.

Whatever comes after the words, “Coach says…” will be heard differently than almost any other words! Which begs the question; who’s coaching the coaches?

The 2 most obvious answers are the coach’s parents and the coach’s coaches. Perhaps you were among the 108 million people that tuned into this year’s Super Bowl. The top story line had nothing to do with the athletes playing the game but rather involved the two head coaches facing off that night. For the first time in history, two brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh were on opposite sidelines coaching in the biggest sporting event in the world. If you ask either of them, they would give you the same answer. Much of their success they owed to their father, Jack Harbaugh, not surprisingly, also a coach. For most coaches, their first coach and trainer is one or both parents.

In the northwest, April 12, 2013 will go down as an important day. The day the coaching world lost two legends of the game; Frosty Westering and Marv Harshman both entered eternity. I won’t go into the details of their achievements… suffice to say the country is riddled with athletic programs modeled after the teaching of these two coaches. Ask virtually any great coach and he or she will tell you of coaches in their past who have shaped and molded their philosophy of coaching.

But this last weekend, we had the opportunity to be part of a speaking team at a Coach’s Time Out (CTO) conference, a ministry of Pro Athlete Outreach (PAO). CTO is attempting to be part of the answer to the question, who’s coaching the coaches? What a privilege for us to be part of a fabulous team. Jake Locker of the Tennessee Titans and Michael Keonen of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, along with their wives Lauren and Devin hosted the weekend and shared coaching tips from a player’s perspective. A room full of coaches, many with their spouse, gathered for a weekend of refreshing, recharging and teaching.

Jake and Lauren Locker

In addition to the Lockers and Keonans, Gary Bell gave great financial advice from a biblical perspective, Joe Nu’u brought spiritual challenge and we spoke into growing strong family relationships in the midst of the craziness of coaching. The best part for us was knowing this room full of people will now affect hundreds if not thousands of lives this coming year.

CTO’s goal according to their director Joe Broussard and PAO director Steve Stenstrom, is to have a Coach’s Time Out within driving distance of every high school coach in America. There were twelve such conferences this year with plans to have seventeen in 2014.

If you have an athlete, rather than buying your coach another plaque for an overfilled wall, why not consider giving him/her something that will be super meaningful and have the potential of impacting more lives in the future (possibly your childs). Most of the cost for the weekend is underwritten by professional athletes and others who place a high value on caring for coaches and their families. If you’d like more information visit their website http://www.coachestimeout.org/.

I know my life has been heavily influenced by the coaches I have played for. But honestly I never stopped long enough to ask… who’s coaching the coaches? Now I know and so do you!

Adding Triplets

OK – we didn’t actually add triplets, but January of 2012 we did add three kids to our already large family through the miracle of adoption. One year ago we were able to bring them into the United States and their forever home. Below is an excerpt from a blog we posted a year ago about our experience. It was a fun reminder of how blessed we are in the Pritchard home! We’ve added a few current thoughts in parenthesis within the text.

Adoption Moment Feb 2012

On January 31, 2012 the Pritchards became a family with 11 children!! Mesellu, Asefa and Dejen officially became part of our family!! After a twelve hour flight from Washington D.C. to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on Monday, January 30 we drove 2 hours to the orphanage in Adama to meet our children. We went to lunch with them, bid them good bye and drove back to Addis to spend the night. Tuesday morning started early with breakfast at our guest house, coffee with Abebe (YWAM’s in country representative), and final court in order to appear before the judge and finalize the adoption. We then drove directly back to the orphanage to pick OUR children and spent the rest of the week with them!!

Timo, Malia, David, and Dejen’s

first trip to Sunnyside Park

 Mesellu. our new daughter,  is the same age as Sina who is 12. She is tall and thin and has looked out for her brothers for a long time. She is shy and seems worried about her lack of formal education. Her favorite color is pink and she wants to work with orphans when she grows up. (Today we call her Malia and she has really come out of her shell!)

Asefa is 10 and his favorite color is green.  He wants to be a driver like his dad when he grows up. He is a great swimmer and the most confident in the water of the three. He likes playing on our phone but loves the legos we brought him and helped with the puzzle when he was sharing the phone with his brother! (He now goes by the name Timo. He has adjusted well to life in our crazy family)

Dejen is 9 and his favorite color is orange. He also wants to be a driver. He is the most active of the three children and loves technology the most. He and Asefa seem more confident in English and trying to learn it. (Dejen continues to go by Dejen! He is the most confident and outgoing of the three. He’s also grown 5 inches this year!!!)

Malia, Kelli, Dejen, and Timo

shortly after getting home in May of 2012

David sums up our trip as pretty perfect as far as traveling across the world with an 11 hour time zone change. We were so blessed by our new friends we have in Ethiopia. Africa, all of sudden, has become near and dear to our hearts. We will be forever changed by this trip and the way that our family has been transformed!

Here is a video of our first time meeting our kids at the orphanage: http://youtu.be/3_yFRlZbZmU

 

Remembering Dad on this Memorial Day

I was that kid! I remember sitting in our living room getting ready to watch the football game on television as they prepared to play the national anthem. My dad loved his football and I can still see him sitting in his big chair in anticipation of the game. As soon as the drum roll began and the cameras panned to the American flag I’d jump up next to my dad’s chair, stand at attention and salute as the band played the Star Spangled Banner. No I don’t make my kids do that today. And yes it makes me laugh and maybe even turn a little red thinking about that scene some 40+ years later. It’s some of what I remember most about my dad ~ his love for God and his love for country. He never took either of those for granted and I suppose his own childhood shaped that commitment as much as anything.

My dad as a young soldier

Dad grew up in a small village on the western side of American Samoa and wasn’t united with his biological father, and that half of his family, until he was a teenager. Maybe in his struggle to figure out his identity in the “family” he forged his identity in Christ. I do know by the time I came along, he was a soldier in the U.S. Army with an abundant trust in God and a desire to share his faith with other young Samoan men, especially fellow soldiers. That particular passion would eventually lead him to start and pastor the first Samoan church at Ft. Lewis Army Post. Growing up in American Samoa my father developed a respect for his homeland of Samoa but also his governing country of America. At the time, the United States operated a small naval station in Pago Pago harbor and my father joined the Navy as part of the Fita Fita guard made up of locals. This eventually led to my dad moving state side and enlisting in the U.S. Army where he served for 28 years!

Around my house the bible was to be honored and the American flag was to be shown respect. If you wanted to get my dad talking, bring up God or bring up America and he was ready to talk. Notably the other two “top four” loves for dad were family and his native island of Samoa… but that’s for a different blog post! Each year when Memorial Day comes around I’m reminded of my dad’s love of country. Both mom and dad were faithful to visit the graves of soldiers that were no longer with us. Sadly a practice I have failed to pass on as passionately (although this is a new year and another opportunity!). The high school my children attend has made it a little easier. For the last seven years some teachers and a group of students have created a replica of the Arlington National Cemetery on the front lawn of the high school. It has provided a solemn and powerful reminder of the cost of war. We have watched the last seven years as the small white sticks, each with a name, each name representing a fallen warrior, has over taken the front lawn. It’s a sobering experience to take the kids and walk among the replica headstones, knowing children, dads, moms, friends are no longer able to spend time with those whose names we read.

The Arlington National Cemetery Replica at Clover Park High School

Why do it? For me it’s important my children know that freedom isn’t free. Our spiritual freedom in Christ came at a great cost to our Savior and the freedom we enjoy in our country comes at a great cost to our nation, especially to those honored in Arlington and on the lawn of Clover Park High School. And besides… my dad would have been the first to be there.

Our daughter considering the cost

Fresh Beginnings

Some of you have been with us for a while. You know everything is different. Our website is different, our blog is different… it looks and feels different than our old site. New things can be frustrating and even irritating, but new also means fresh beginnings… a chance to start anew. Growing up we would play a game on the playground (it didn’t really matter what game). When it was your turn, if you messed up you’d ask for a “do over”. A chance to wipe the slate clean and get another chance. It’s actually a great metaphor of what God did for us when he sent Jesus on our behalf, but that’s for another blog! This fresh start is a do over for us. We hope to do some things different – better! Here’s what you can expect:

*Regular weekly blogs – you will hear from us each week as we discuss marriage and parenting issues that confront us today.

* We will have a regular feature, “Coffee with Kelli”… grab a cup of coffee and read some practical tips for moms from Kelli.

* Short video messages – we plan to share an occasional video short

* Re-posts – unfortunately with the change we were unable to transfer over all of our old blogs, so we will periodically re-post some of our favorite old posts.

* And more… we have hundreds of questions on marriage and parenting collected from messages and our live conferences. On occasion we will answer those questions here. We would also like to hear from you… what would help strengthen your marriage… what would bless your parenting? Let us know.

This past year we’ve added three new grandbabies – fresh beginnings! Nothing cries hope like a newborn baby. Today we feel like we are birthing a new baby with our new website and blog. Our hope is you will visit us often and consider subscribing to our blog. Our prayer is to be a blessing to you and your family.

Our website is http://www.pritchardministries.org or email us at pritchardministries@gmail.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you~

David & Kelli