The most important character quality to teach your child athlete

 

I (David) remember the scene well. Our oldest son Tavita, was crouched on the sideline with his head down. He was discouraged after losing our third game in a row. After a promising start to the season, he was taking more than his fair share of the blame for our losses. Now he didn’t feel like he could face our fans for the post-game thank-yous.

Celebrating with Tavita after beating our rivals just 2 weeks after the devastating loss

Maybe you’ve heard it said; athletics teaches character. Or perhaps you’ve benefited from the teachable moments sports can afford. Or you might be that parent intent on using athletics and not letting athletics use your kid. Regardless, have you ever considered what the most important thing you want your child to take away from athletics? At the very least, what is the one critical character quality athletics has a way of teaching your child, perhaps better than anything else?

In athletics, as in life, you need character. Certainly we want to teach our children Godly character. Sports is a great place to learn things like hard work, teamwork, diligence, sacrifice etc. But these character qualities require one particular character in order to be lived out – and that’s the character of self-control. Think about it, we know what we need to do; we just need the self-discipline to actually do it. If your child isn’t interested in athletics, whatever activity they are involved in, make sure they’re learning self-control.

Here are some practical ways for your athlete to learn self-control:

• Go to practice – make sure they go on time and ready to work especially when they don’t feel like it. Once the newness and excitement of joining the team leaves, what is left often times is the self-control to keep at it.
• 24 Hour Rule – After a loss or a big win we gave our kids 24 hours to deal with the emotion. They couldn’t be mean or disrespectful, but we allowed them a little space to process and get control.
• Partner with their coaches – We know you are going to struggle with some coaches (read our blog on coaches). Be wise but don’t rescue your child every time they disagree with what the coach has done. Often the character gained is far more valuable than the playing time they missed.
• Let them know you are in their corner – in the story I told above, I wanted to help Tavita escape embarrassment, but I knew it was a defining moment. I told him there would be better days. I also told him I’d go with him. We loved going to watch our kids when they won. But we knew it was more important to be there when they lost or if they got beat out or when they were discouraged.

We love athletics and what it has taught our kids. We’re not happy with some of the ways it seems to be trending. We continue to believe it’s an incredible tool to teach your child character… especially if you have the self-control to journey through it with them.

What was the greatest sports moment for your child? What was the hardest? What was your response?

5 Questions to help you through those Tense Talks with your Teenager

I (Kelli) could feel my heart begin to beat harder. I’m sure there was sweat forming on my brow. My high school freshmen daughter was sharing the discussion her teammates were having on the bus ride home from their game. The conversation had been graphic and sexual.  She had questions about what these girls were saying.  She was trying to process all she had heard. I kept thinking, “This isn’t exactly how I wanted her to learn about these matters.”

Maybe you’ve experienced something like this or maybe you’re worried one day you will. What do we do when our teenagers come to us with “shocking” information? Like the time my son told us kids at school had offered him drugs. What do you say?

Parenting exposes us in so many unique ways.  Sometimes the things our teens present us will push on areas we might be struggling with or feel inadequate in or simply unprepared to address.  

I am way better if I have a chance to process with David and think through my responses. But sometimes, like on this occasion with my daughter, I didn’t have time for either.  She wanted to know truth. And it’s not that we hadn’t considered the tension in teaching sexuality because we certainly had. But suddenly I was presented with a hard conversation and no time to prepare.

When these moments happen, and they will, here are five questions to have ready. They will help your teen process what is going on and more importantly help them begin to learn how to process independently. After all, the goal is for our teens to be self-governing and be able to navigate these waters without us (but that’s a topic for another blog). Keep in mind this isn’t an exhaustive list. These will just help get you started.

1. What do you think is the right thing to do? 

 

2. What parts of this can you own?
3. How can dad and I help you?
4. What does God think? Do you mind if I pray for you?
5. What do you think dad and I think about this and why do you think we have landed there? 

Again, there are certainly more and perhaps better questions. The point is, how we respond when our teen comes to us will determine whether or not they come back the next time. Practice saying, “That’s interesting, tell me more,” and “thank-you for inviting us into this with you.” 

This privileged place is not permission to lecture or to tell our kids what to think, but rather to really listen and learn what they are saying to themselves about what has happened. How much better when they ask us, “Mom, dad, what do you think?”

 And remember, it’s not just behavior we are after, we are after the heart of our teen, and that too is a topic for another day. What has been the most shocking news your teen has brought to you? What did you do when it happened? We’d love to hear from you.

Welcoming a New Sibling

Koffee With Kelli

Happy Saturday!!

Hope you have time to make coffee and join me for a quiet moment this morning!  I love summer because it gives me time to think about parenting questions that I want to take time with because many are asking the same thing.

This topic has to do with children receiving a new sibling and the behavior they are displaying both in anticipating and after their new baby arrives. Here is what one mother wrote, ”Have you ever had any kids loose themselves before the arrival of a new baby? I seriously don’t recognize M and he is usually the easier of the two (they have twin boys expecting a third son in a few weeks).

I have been pondering this issue for a couple of months now as my oldest daughter (pictured) had her second baby in May and her 2 year old son is having to share his parents.  Since baby Amaja’s arrival, many other friends of Alyse are having their second baby  I have watched and listened to you. Most of you have prepared well for your family’s new baby. You have given ample time, age appropriate explanations and lots of affirmation to your existing child. You have bought the big brother/sister t-shirt, had friends bring sibling gifts to the baby shower, showed them the ultra sound picture and had them practice the new baby’s name.  You have talked with them about how important they are and what a great big brother/sister they are going to be…that God has picked them to lead their siblings. You have done a wonderful job.

Sometimes the anticipation of the coming baby goes smoother than the actual arrival

Here is the hard truth. Do you remember before you got married attending the re-marital classes? I remember thinking, “let’s hurry because this is going to be a piece of cake.” But then you find out, the reality of marriage is a little different than the class. In marriage, an adoption or a new baby, our own selfish nature is exposed. And I don’t mean just for the older sibling… dad’s desires, my desires, our family system gets exposed. We are faced with the reality that we cannot have everything we want or things just the way we want them all the time.  We have a hard time sharing our spouse, our parents, our time, our homes, our money and our gifts and talents. But working through the tension of this is a good thing for all of us. When our children begin to cope with a new baby by acting out, many times we are shocked, then empathetic, then angry, and finally guilt ridden.  We move into trying to pacify them. We feel badly because we are overwhelmed with caring for this new baby.

Enjoying a cute moment with little sister!

May I suggest a compassionate, but just training for this nature that tends to spoil our Kodak moments as we are celebrating our new baby?

1. Be aware that we are living in a very selfish culture that wants to elevate personal pleasure and needs before all else. Its first response is, ”You deserve time and attention from your parents…”
2. This is not the last time our children will need to manage their emotions and behavior in the name of being happy for someone else. It is a great teachable moment(s)!!!
3. The most loving thing to do is to train our children to be self controlled and obey the first time instruction are given; especially when it is hard (ie someone new is moving in)!!!
4. The more connected and united mom and dad are in their relationship and with this training, the better the child will do. Children take their cues from us. If we are feeling guilty, insecure and unsure of how our children will do… so will they!
5. Most importantly, this is a wonderful time to model for the child how much their Heavenly Father loves them and has a purpose for their lives. In some small way we begin to point them to the only one who will ever fully satisfy them.

In the meantime remember that guilt isn’t of the Lord! Enjoy your new one and know that as you endeavor to love and nurture all of your kids, the truth will win out. There is always an adjustment period with any new change; this is no different. You know way more than you think you do. Continuing to do what you know is best and right for your kids will always be the way to go. Trust your mothering instincts… and know I’m in your corner cheering you on!

Getting to the Root of Discipline!

I’ll never forget the first time I disciplined my daughter while visiting my mom and dad. Alyse, our oldest was being defiant and so I spanked her. She started to cry, so I sent her in back where she wouldn’t disturb everyone else. In my parents house there were two ways to the back room where we were staying. As I sent my daughter down one hallway, my mom was sneaking around through her room to meet and comfort her granddaughter. I remember thinking, “is this the same woman that used to blister my behind?” And now I am that grandparent… agonizing when my grandkids get disciplined… but grateful they have parents willing to “go there.”

In our enlightened 21^st century culture, discipline has become a bit controversial. In fact, some of you probably cringed when you read the word “spanked” above. Who knows, we maybe have lost some readers with this one revelation! But I’m getting ahead of myself. ‘Discipline’ of course has as its root word, “disciple”. So discipline can mean many things, but in some form or fashion it leads back to the idea of making a disciple- a follower of an idea or a person. I could spend the next three blogs talking about the importance of making sure you know what it is you want your child to become a follower of. Paul said it succinctly, “Follow me as I follow Christ”. Someday, your child will be an adult and he/she will decide what “discipline” to follow. Our job in the meantime is to put them on a path where they have a chance to see and experience truth and an opportunity to choose right. We always said, if our child ends up feeding pigs in the pig pen (Luke 15), we just didn’t want them to get there by accident. All we could ask of ourselves was to put them in position to say, I know what mom and dad believe and why, but I’m choosing to go a different way.

Of course the question becomes, what is the best method of discipline? And the honest answer is: it depends. What is the temperament of the child? What is the parent’s history and baggage? What is the offense? What is the context and situation? Of course, consistency is a must in parenting; so, how do we resolve, “it depends” with the need for constancy? This is why as parents, we need to spend much of our time on our knees seeking wisdom from God.  One of the first things I would suggest you ask of the Lord is for wisdom and discernment in evaluating what your child is doing. In other words, when something wrong happens, did it happen because your child was being “childish”… they didn’t know any better? Or did it happen because your kid knew exactly what they were doing, but defiantly chose to do it anyway. In many ways, this is one of the hardest skills in parenting. Sometimes its very easy… other times, it’s so hard to discern. If they’re being childish, we simply teach. But, if they are being defiant, then we need to discipline.

 

We’re not going to cover all the methods of disciplining, although in this series we’re going to talk about spanking and Kelli is going to share a few mommy tricks when it comes to disciplining in some future “Koffee With Kelli” posts. We mostly want to encourage you, especially if you are that mom or dad wondering if you’re going to mess your kids up if you punish or discipline them. No parent will handle this area perfectly, but we must still be willing to do it. It is unloving to “not” discipline your child. Years ago I read a parenting book by Zig Zigler. I don’t remember much of what he said, but one quote from his book that stuck with me is this:

“The child who has not been disciplined with love by his little world will be disciplined, generally without love, by the big world.”

The issue isn’t whether or not our kids will be disciplined… the only question is who will do the disciplining and in what manner will it be done. As imperfectly as we will parent, we know our heart and our motivation! And just to be clear: we aren’t talking about abuse or unhealthy punishment. Training self-discipline into our children is a loving act of a loving parent. To do otherwise, is abdicating our role as mom and dad. Sadly, as a coach over the years, I’ve had to be a first hand witness to countless athletes who never achieved even a portion of their potential because of a lack of self-discipline. I’m not passing judgment on those parents, often they are doing the best they can. But I am asking the question of the rest of us: do we love our kids enough to do the hard work of disciplining? Even when it’s unpopular? Even when it’s hard and inconvenient? Even if, at the time at least, our kids don’t like us? Enter into the fray… do your best. After that… rest in God’s grace.

“Discipline your son, and he will bring you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” ~Psalm 29:17

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Koffee With Kelli

This day always brings back wonderful memories of family, friends, food and fireworks!! I remember waiting with great anticipation, laying on a blanket with friends, for that sound, feeling and great delight in the dark sky being lit up with brilliant colors and loud booms!!

As I mother now, July has become a month to celebrate, learn about and pray for our country. Oh I know our kids all study US History usually somewhat begrudgingly.  So how can we make it come alive and be a topic that stirs in them more than the b-word (you know… boring), BBQ’s and sparklers?

A sight I hope someday to enjoy in person!

A few of our favorite resources through the years have been these: The American Covenant by Marshall Foster. David and I did this in Sunday school long ago and we loved challenging our kids as they grew up with prompts like: “What is separation of church and state?” and “Was America founded as a Christian nation?” Another one that we used for younger children is The Light and the Glory for Children: Discovering God’s Plan for America from Christopher Columbus to George Washington by Peter Marshall and David Manuel. Its sequel is called From Sea to Shining Sea for Children. Those books lead to many others for children about American history that is different from what is learned in school. 

We listened to Focus on the Family’s Adventures in Odyssey,” For God and Country”, a 12 part series about America that highlighted the important events of our early history as part of our teaching.  And there are movies. Many we had to wait for our kids to grow up because of their intensity, but they provided great material to find out more and have great conversation on a Biblical world view of God’s plan for American.

Next, if our children have opportunity to visit Washington D.C. on a school trip, we support them in doing so. One of our daughters is fund raising right now to go next spring with her classmates. These days you can even get high school credit with a trip like that! We are really excited for her and plan to help any way possible.

We have had friends that have gone through becoming citizens and heard about all they had to learn to take the test about America. We have looked at some of those questions and wondered if we, as naturally born Americans, could pass the test!! That was eye opening for all of us!!

Dani with our family friend Miss Sharon celebrating America’s birthday!

The other emphasis during the 4^th is our military and the ultimate sacrifice so many thousands have made so that we could be a free nation. This holiday always includes the somber reminder that many have a hard time today because their family members may not be celebrating with them. Thank you to those of you who have served or supported those who have. You are honored today!!

Lastly, we pray for America especially hard in July. We use the verse, 2 Chronicles 7:14 …if my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear them from heaven and will forgive  their sin and will heal their land. After spending time in other parts of the world this last year and a half adopting our children, I love American in a whole new way and know God’s hand has been on our country.

There is so much more I could say about the state of the union right now in America!  But really, I believe God wants us to stay the course as mom’s teaching, salting the oats and prompting our children to have a Godly view of America complete with its challenges, strengths and purposes. So much gets taught by us even if we are not mindful of how we think or talk about America. Be aware of the messages you are sending the next generation regarding God and our country!!

Please have a wonderful, safe and grateful celebration today! One thing that we can all be united about… we have much to be thankful for today in the United States of America!!

How to hold an effective family meeting… and why you’d want to

A football coach wouldn’t think of going through a season without holding regular team meetings. His players are busy, going in a hundred different directions. The coaches meet and have specific issues everyone needs to know. Team meetings allow coaches to cast vision, to give out awards, to give updates, to go over team rules, to explain changes, to take care of any team drama, and the list goes on.

Coaches wouldn’t consider a season

without “family” meetings!

Similarly we believe parents need to meet with their team on a regular basis. In our “team” meetings we pass on a vision for our family to the kids. It allows us to celebrate recent successes.  Remember, what gets celebrated gets repeated! We update the kids on the family calendar (especially as they get older and start having lives of their own). It also gives us an opportunity to address challenges we might be facing as a family or with disciplinary issues. We ask the question, “What kind of a family do we want to have?” It gives our kids a chance to speak into who we are.

But the most important reason for holding regular family meetings has nothing to do with disseminating information or teaching or correcting and everything to do with creating a sense of belonging. We know the great lure of gangs isn’t as much about drugs and money as it is about being a part of something, a family. In the same way, family meetings are one of the great tools we use to convey to our kids, “You are an important part of something special. You belong to this family and this family belongs to you!”

Family meetings help create a sense of

“belonging” in our family!

We’ve posted a Family Meeting worksheet on our Pritchard Ministries website. It explains some of the practical “how to’s” of conducting family meetings. We suggest when your kids are young to have them often and keep them short. We’ve been know on occasion (not often) to have our meeting over an ice cream cone at McDonalds. Sometimes Kelli will end a meeting with a treat. When our kids were young it was easy… we’d yell up the stairs and say, “family meeting in the living room… five minutes.” As our kids got older, they requested a little more notice. So now David texts the kids, “we’d like to have a family meeting Thursday night at 7pm. See you there unless I hear from you.” It takes some effort, but regardless of how many or how few children you have, family meetings can be an effective tool in your parenting journey. We’d love to hear stories from your family meetings!

What Every Parent Ought to Know About Sending Your Child Off to College (Part 2))

In Part 1 we considered commencement, a beginning… we reminded you that everything changes and that’s a good thing while acknowledging some things never change.. and finally in an effort to raise self-governing adults we suggested you ask lots of questions rather than give quick answers. In Part 2, we want to continue our discussion by recommending one of our favorite traditions we have with our kids.

Gotta love those candy leis!

• Send them off with a blessing and a rite of passage. We will write more about this in the future but consider creating an intentional time to bless your child (publicly if possible) and to speak some words of wisdom and affirmation into their life prior to them heading off to school. We should speak words of blessing throughout their life, but key moments like this are wonderful times to apply what Gary Smalley and John Trent suggest in their book, The Blessing.
  • Meaningful touch
  • Spoken word
  • Express high value
  • Picture a special future
  • An active commitment on your part

A rite of passage would simply be a time to gather men or women around your child to speak words of wisdom and affirmation into your graduate before the leave home. It’s especially effective when you mark the event with something for them to keep, a reminder or memorial.

• Karen Seyfert gave some advice to moms as their kids are leaving home, but this certainly applies to dads as well:
  • How we send them off exposes a lot about our relationship… with Jesus… with our spouse… with our other kids
  • Be joyful – you might not always feel it, but don’t burden your child by moping around and acting depressed. We want them to know they will be missed, but in an appropriate way.
  • Continue to serve others in ministry – life and ministry don’t stop because our child is gone… again don’t make your child carry the burden of your ministry.
  • Advise sparingly – this is a season your child will be learning to fly. Fight the urge to call and offer advice. It is much more welcomed when they are asking for it… and even then, ask questions!
  • Pray faithfully – We said earlier, the stakes are higher… so our prayer life needs to get more intense!
  • Live purposefully – life has changed, it’s not over. Continue to have goals and vision and purpose for your life and the life of your family.
• Finally, be proactive about re-entry. If your child goes away to school, life is going to change drastically for your child… but also for those of you left behind. Talk about what their return might look like ahead of time. Don’t wait until your young adult returns home for Christmas vacation to consider things like curfew, or the use of the car, or checking in. Kelli is going to share some practical insights in her next “Koffee With Kelli”.

What an exciting time of year! What an exciting season for our children!

Remembering Dad on this Memorial Day

I was that kid! I remember sitting in our living room getting ready to watch the football game on television as they prepared to play the national anthem. My dad loved his football and I can still see him sitting in his big chair in anticipation of the game. As soon as the drum roll began and the cameras panned to the American flag I’d jump up next to my dad’s chair, stand at attention and salute as the band played the Star Spangled Banner. No I don’t make my kids do that today. And yes it makes me laugh and maybe even turn a little red thinking about that scene some 40+ years later. It’s some of what I remember most about my dad ~ his love for God and his love for country. He never took either of those for granted and I suppose his own childhood shaped that commitment as much as anything.

My dad as a young soldier

Dad grew up in a small village on the western side of American Samoa and wasn’t united with his biological father, and that half of his family, until he was a teenager. Maybe in his struggle to figure out his identity in the “family” he forged his identity in Christ. I do know by the time I came along, he was a soldier in the U.S. Army with an abundant trust in God and a desire to share his faith with other young Samoan men, especially fellow soldiers. That particular passion would eventually lead him to start and pastor the first Samoan church at Ft. Lewis Army Post. Growing up in American Samoa my father developed a respect for his homeland of Samoa but also his governing country of America. At the time, the United States operated a small naval station in Pago Pago harbor and my father joined the Navy as part of the Fita Fita guard made up of locals. This eventually led to my dad moving state side and enlisting in the U.S. Army where he served for 28 years!

Around my house the bible was to be honored and the American flag was to be shown respect. If you wanted to get my dad talking, bring up God or bring up America and he was ready to talk. Notably the other two “top four” loves for dad were family and his native island of Samoa… but that’s for a different blog post! Each year when Memorial Day comes around I’m reminded of my dad’s love of country. Both mom and dad were faithful to visit the graves of soldiers that were no longer with us. Sadly a practice I have failed to pass on as passionately (although this is a new year and another opportunity!). The high school my children attend has made it a little easier. For the last seven years some teachers and a group of students have created a replica of the Arlington National Cemetery on the front lawn of the high school. It has provided a solemn and powerful reminder of the cost of war. We have watched the last seven years as the small white sticks, each with a name, each name representing a fallen warrior, has over taken the front lawn. It’s a sobering experience to take the kids and walk among the replica headstones, knowing children, dads, moms, friends are no longer able to spend time with those whose names we read.

The Arlington National Cemetery Replica at Clover Park High School

Why do it? For me it’s important my children know that freedom isn’t free. Our spiritual freedom in Christ came at a great cost to our Savior and the freedom we enjoy in our country comes at a great cost to our nation, especially to those honored in Arlington and on the lawn of Clover Park High School. And besides… my dad would have been the first to be there.

Our daughter considering the cost