Do you know the secret ingredient in every healthy family?

In our experience working with hundreds of families, there is one common denominator in every family that is considered healthy. Yes, that’s a big statement and yet in another sense it’s not a big surprise. Especially as I write this on the eve of Easter. Tomorrow we will celebrate what Jesus Christ did on the cross for each and every one of us. The bad news of the gospel message is because of sin we face a broken relationship with God. The good news of the gospel is the cross makes it possible for that relationship to be restored. That is the Easter celebration!

John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s the gospel message and we can talk more about that another day.

Family relationships can get very complicated

Healthy families, whether they realize it or not, have learned to re-enact the gospel with each other. Healthy families have learned the secret of forgiveness. Every relationship in your family will eventually be broken. It happens because we are human, because we sin, and because we are selfish. Eventually we will hurt each other… guaranteed!

The only question is what we do next. Healthy families, even if they deny the existence of God, learn to follow God’s example. No, we don’t have to die on a cross; Jesus already did that for us. But we do have to apologize, repent, and ask for forgiveness. And then, we have to be willing to extend forgiveness when we are the one wronged. Books have been written on the subject of forgiveness. Let me give you five reasons why it’s so important for families to practice the art of forgiveness.

• The bible clearly instructs us to forgive one another. As God has forgiven us we are to forgive one another. To keep clear with each other isn’t just a good idea, it’s God’s idea.
• We miss out on parts of the relationship when we are burdened with un-forgiveness. When our relationships are tense, it’s hard to enjoy the good things happening in the family. How do you celebrate a victory or an award your sibling receives when there is bitterness in the air?
• Forgiveness is good for the forgiver. Someone once said to withhold forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. Our motive to forgive should be obedience and love of God. However, to carry around un-forgiveness does indeed eat away at us.
• It prepares us for the coming storms. Every family experiences storms. Your family’s ability to successfully weather the storms increases exponentially if you have practiced the principle of forgiveness. You personally could find yourself at the eye of the storm. If you have unresolved conflicts with the rest of the clan it’s hard to reach out to them for support. We have an e-book coming out shortly on family storms.
• There is an enemy and he will do anything to keep you from forgiving one another. The last thing satan wants is a for a watching world to see a family modeling the gospel message with each other.

This Easter season, be grateful for the forgiveness we find in the cross. Then, practice forgiveness with those in your family. Do you need to apologize for something? Do you need to forgive someone? Do it today.

We are moving our blog and website one more time in the next several days. It shouldn’t affect anything on your end, but just in case we wanted to give all of you a heads up. Thanks for reading and please share this with a friend.

 

How to raise kids that are HONEST and KIND with each other.

Our oldest daughter was the first to leave home for college. A thousand miles away she called us. “Mom, dad,” she said, “My professor is 180 degrees diametrically opposed to everything you’ve ever taught me.” We had to think quickly. If we over-reacted she might never feel safe in sharing the truth with us again. If we didn’t react at all, she might think we actually agreed with her professor. It was time to practice what we’d always preached.

When Ephesians 4 speaks of growing mature in every way it says we must, “speak the truth in love.” But many times one or the other pulls for our affection. If we’ve been hurt, we want truth. We want the hammer of justice to come down hard on the person who has wronged us. If we’ve done the hurting then we say, “God is love. You have to forgive me.” Which is right? And the answer is… yes!

Teaching our kids to be HONEST and KIND isn’t done overnight. Here are six keys:

• You must model it. You knew that was coming. If you two are screaming at each don’t expect your kids to be nice to each other. Or how about this one. Have you ever said seriously, “don’t tell your father”?
• Be HONEST. This is like the first one. You must practice being truthful to your kids. When they are young do you tell them little “white lies” because it’s easier than the truth? It’s ok to say, I’ll tell you more when the time is right. But to say, “I don’t know” if you do, or “they were out,” when they weren’t, eventually catches up to you. Tell them the truth, even when it’s hard.
• Be KIND. I remember the days of yelling at my kids. Most of the time, I was probably right. They should have listened or stopped or done what I asked. But as we learned to parent with a gently and loving voice we began teaching our kids kindness. Because true kindness isn’t just when everything is great. In fact you can discipline nicely. “I’m so sorry you chose to do that. We really wanted you to be able to be with us, but now you are going to have to stay home.”
• Place value in HONEST and KIND. If you’re like me you’re going to mess up with your spouse or your kids. If it’s important, then it’s important enough to say I’m sorry, please forgive me.
• Teach them what to say and how to say it. Teach your kids phrases for how they might approach a hard conversation. If they need to tell someone something truthful but hard, coach them up.
• Use family meetings and after dinner conversation to cast vision. Family meetings are great opportunities to ask, “What kind of a family do we want to be.” It’s hard to always be honest, but if you’ve decided together as a family, “We are going to do this,” it’s way more likely to happen.

It’s almost a lost art to speak truth in love. As a culture we are angry. So when we speak truth we feel justified to do so in anger. Ephesians 4 doesn’t give you license to be “brutally” honest with those closest to you. On the other hand if we choose to be kind we assume it means we can’t be honest. Instead let’s teach our kids to be HONEST with each other and to do it with KINDNESS! How have you seen this lived out in your home? What helped your kids live out Ephesians 4?

Key to Starting the School Year Right

Koffee With Kelli

Hope you have time for a cup of coffee this morning to reflect on the whirlwind of another school year beginning…backpacks, new pens, agendas, mountains of paperwork and yes…homework for all of us again!! I tell my kids about 3 weeks before summer ends that the school mom is coming back so prepare for her arrival!! I try really hard all summer to not rush anything ie going to bed, getting up, getting our summer reading done, even at the park as they are playing and ask,” Is it time to go?’ I love saying,” Whenever you are ready!” but then, almost in the blink of an eye, we are right back into the rhythm of another school year. Some are so happy to have the routine back in place while others of us could go on and on living those summer days with our children!

I read a wonderful quote a few weeks ago by Dallas Willard that says, ”Ruthlessly Eliminate Hurry”. It hit a chord with me and especially our lifestyle as we begin school, football, soccer, youth group, small group and the fall schedule.  We really do try to have margin in our fall schedule. We try to not hurry people as they eat or talk or play. We try  to have purpose and teaching and fun. So how do we eliminate “hurry”? How do we still ourselves enough to hear God’s voice, feel His presence and ponder what He seems to be growing us into?

Taking our 3 youngest kids to their

first day of school in America!

As we have talked more and more about how to eliminate hurry so the really important things surface intentionally in our lives, a few ideas come to mind:

Family Dinners- these are almost a thing of the past yet one of the ways our busy family can connect in a deep and meaningful way. It is pretty surprising how little time it takes to eat and talk at dinner.  We sometimes hear things or become aware of things that we may not have otherwise.

Family Meetings: These are so important and we can not only connect but we can  also do some teaching, correction and celebrating of all that is happening in the family. We get input from everyone, go over schedules, and invite our family to keep talking about what kind of a family we want to be.

Faith Talks- We keep reminding ourselves, we will turn around and our baby will be eighteen and walking out our door. He will step into a world where he needs to be able to defend his beliefs. Parents are still the first and best discipler’s of their own children. It’s the desire of our hearts to be intentional when it comes to talking about God. We want our kids to know a God that is bigger than we are and a God worth giving our lives for. We pray we won’t miss opportunities. We try really hard to invite our kids into compelling conversations about who God is, what He has to do with who we are and what our life’s purpose is here on earth.!!

Please pray about how your family can “Ruthlessly Eliminate Hurry” and let me know how your family does it!!

Welcoming a New Sibling

Koffee With Kelli

Happy Saturday!!

Hope you have time to make coffee and join me for a quiet moment this morning!  I love summer because it gives me time to think about parenting questions that I want to take time with because many are asking the same thing.

This topic has to do with children receiving a new sibling and the behavior they are displaying both in anticipating and after their new baby arrives. Here is what one mother wrote, ”Have you ever had any kids loose themselves before the arrival of a new baby? I seriously don’t recognize M and he is usually the easier of the two (they have twin boys expecting a third son in a few weeks).

I have been pondering this issue for a couple of months now as my oldest daughter (pictured) had her second baby in May and her 2 year old son is having to share his parents.  Since baby Amaja’s arrival, many other friends of Alyse are having their second baby  I have watched and listened to you. Most of you have prepared well for your family’s new baby. You have given ample time, age appropriate explanations and lots of affirmation to your existing child. You have bought the big brother/sister t-shirt, had friends bring sibling gifts to the baby shower, showed them the ultra sound picture and had them practice the new baby’s name.  You have talked with them about how important they are and what a great big brother/sister they are going to be…that God has picked them to lead their siblings. You have done a wonderful job.

Sometimes the anticipation of the coming baby goes smoother than the actual arrival

Here is the hard truth. Do you remember before you got married attending the re-marital classes? I remember thinking, “let’s hurry because this is going to be a piece of cake.” But then you find out, the reality of marriage is a little different than the class. In marriage, an adoption or a new baby, our own selfish nature is exposed. And I don’t mean just for the older sibling… dad’s desires, my desires, our family system gets exposed. We are faced with the reality that we cannot have everything we want or things just the way we want them all the time.  We have a hard time sharing our spouse, our parents, our time, our homes, our money and our gifts and talents. But working through the tension of this is a good thing for all of us. When our children begin to cope with a new baby by acting out, many times we are shocked, then empathetic, then angry, and finally guilt ridden.  We move into trying to pacify them. We feel badly because we are overwhelmed with caring for this new baby.

Enjoying a cute moment with little sister!

May I suggest a compassionate, but just training for this nature that tends to spoil our Kodak moments as we are celebrating our new baby?

1. Be aware that we are living in a very selfish culture that wants to elevate personal pleasure and needs before all else. Its first response is, ”You deserve time and attention from your parents…”
2. This is not the last time our children will need to manage their emotions and behavior in the name of being happy for someone else. It is a great teachable moment(s)!!!
3. The most loving thing to do is to train our children to be self controlled and obey the first time instruction are given; especially when it is hard (ie someone new is moving in)!!!
4. The more connected and united mom and dad are in their relationship and with this training, the better the child will do. Children take their cues from us. If we are feeling guilty, insecure and unsure of how our children will do… so will they!
5. Most importantly, this is a wonderful time to model for the child how much their Heavenly Father loves them and has a purpose for their lives. In some small way we begin to point them to the only one who will ever fully satisfy them.

In the meantime remember that guilt isn’t of the Lord! Enjoy your new one and know that as you endeavor to love and nurture all of your kids, the truth will win out. There is always an adjustment period with any new change; this is no different. You know way more than you think you do. Continuing to do what you know is best and right for your kids will always be the way to go. Trust your mothering instincts… and know I’m in your corner cheering you on!

How to hold an effective family meeting… and why you’d want to

A football coach wouldn’t think of going through a season without holding regular team meetings. His players are busy, going in a hundred different directions. The coaches meet and have specific issues everyone needs to know. Team meetings allow coaches to cast vision, to give out awards, to give updates, to go over team rules, to explain changes, to take care of any team drama, and the list goes on.

Coaches wouldn’t consider a season

without “family” meetings!

Similarly we believe parents need to meet with their team on a regular basis. In our “team” meetings we pass on a vision for our family to the kids. It allows us to celebrate recent successes.  Remember, what gets celebrated gets repeated! We update the kids on the family calendar (especially as they get older and start having lives of their own). It also gives us an opportunity to address challenges we might be facing as a family or with disciplinary issues. We ask the question, “What kind of a family do we want to have?” It gives our kids a chance to speak into who we are.

But the most important reason for holding regular family meetings has nothing to do with disseminating information or teaching or correcting and everything to do with creating a sense of belonging. We know the great lure of gangs isn’t as much about drugs and money as it is about being a part of something, a family. In the same way, family meetings are one of the great tools we use to convey to our kids, “You are an important part of something special. You belong to this family and this family belongs to you!”

Family meetings help create a sense of

“belonging” in our family!

We’ve posted a Family Meeting worksheet on our Pritchard Ministries website. It explains some of the practical “how to’s” of conducting family meetings. We suggest when your kids are young to have them often and keep them short. We’ve been know on occasion (not often) to have our meeting over an ice cream cone at McDonalds. Sometimes Kelli will end a meeting with a treat. When our kids were young it was easy… we’d yell up the stairs and say, “family meeting in the living room… five minutes.” As our kids got older, they requested a little more notice. So now David texts the kids, “we’d like to have a family meeting Thursday night at 7pm. See you there unless I hear from you.” It takes some effort, but regardless of how many or how few children you have, family meetings can be an effective tool in your parenting journey. We’d love to hear stories from your family meetings!

Fresh Beginnings

Some of you have been with us for a while. You know everything is different. Our website is different, our blog is different… it looks and feels different than our old site. New things can be frustrating and even irritating, but new also means fresh beginnings… a chance to start anew. Growing up we would play a game on the playground (it didn’t really matter what game). When it was your turn, if you messed up you’d ask for a “do over”. A chance to wipe the slate clean and get another chance. It’s actually a great metaphor of what God did for us when he sent Jesus on our behalf, but that’s for another blog! This fresh start is a do over for us. We hope to do some things different – better! Here’s what you can expect:

*Regular weekly blogs – you will hear from us each week as we discuss marriage and parenting issues that confront us today.

* We will have a regular feature, “Coffee with Kelli”… grab a cup of coffee and read some practical tips for moms from Kelli.

* Short video messages – we plan to share an occasional video short

* Re-posts – unfortunately with the change we were unable to transfer over all of our old blogs, so we will periodically re-post some of our favorite old posts.

* And more… we have hundreds of questions on marriage and parenting collected from messages and our live conferences. On occasion we will answer those questions here. We would also like to hear from you… what would help strengthen your marriage… what would bless your parenting? Let us know.

This past year we’ve added three new grandbabies – fresh beginnings! Nothing cries hope like a newborn baby. Today we feel like we are birthing a new baby with our new website and blog. Our hope is you will visit us often and consider subscribing to our blog. Our prayer is to be a blessing to you and your family.

Our website is http://www.pritchardministries.org or email us at pritchardministries@gmail.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you~

David & Kelli