5 Things my husband taught me about mothering our sons

“He will not call you or answer your calls like the girls do!” my husband David said! I was surprised and hurt at this suggestion!! Our third child, but first son, was leaving for college and David was trying to prepare me for the differences between sons and daughters leaving home.

With Tana during mom’s weekend

Our first to go were girls, our two daughters. I talked with them practically every day. Not long conversations, just quick updates on something fun or hard or new or surprising… just a touch point… a connection. I could not imagine this son of mine was leaving after 18 years and might not respond to my calls in this same fashion!! Even more disturbing was David’s suggestion (ok maybe a little stronger than a suggestion) I not call him!!

It was a defining moment in my mothering of sons. I had a close, loving, respectful and what I would consider influential relationship with my son. My emotions fought to argue; but a gentle, soft voice in me knew I was entering new territory.

I am so thankful I made a decision long ago in my marriage to invite David in to coach me on things he knew more about than me; how to be a man was one of those things!!

At puberty (13), at the conclusion of our sons’ rite of passage, David declares our boys to be men; young men still in need of parenting and direction, but men. He explains we will now treat them differently and they will now act differently because they are men!! For me it meant I no longer was to manage their lives. Yes, I still parented, but natural consequences did more of the teaching and the disciplining. I might say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” But my job was not to nag, punish or reward them for things they could clearly do on their own.

Here are 5 things David taught me about mothering our sons after their rite of passage.

1)Use a tone of respect in conversation; speak directly and teach rather than condescend and judge.

2)Teach him about the differences between male and female wiring – how his dad’s male wiring has influenced me by broadening my perspective. How I love being valued and protected by a man.

3)Affirm his manliness by asking him for his opinions, for help requiring brute strength and catching and praising him for doing things a good husband and father would do.

4)Remind him he is way more than just a sexual being. He’s intelligent, emotional, spiritual, relational, and goal oriented. To not let women use or evaluate him as a sexual performer or consumer.

5)Lastly, I could follow his father because his father was following Christ. Jesus alone has the plan and the basis for who he is. He is the one who gives you what you need to weather the storms of life. Give Him all the glory.

I am so grateful my husband is my best coach on how to mother our sons. And the bonus is, I get to sleep with the coach. Today my sons call and talk for a while. They answer all my questions and they even tell me they love me!!

Have you seen a difference raising your sons vs. your daughters? What’s your favorite tip for mothers with sons? Remember to sign up to follow our blog.

Boys to Men

Koffee With Kelli

Good Morning Friends!!  

I hope your coffee is hot and you have a moment to sit and think!! This morning I would like to talk about what happens when your son comes of age and how your mothering should change toward him!! Yesterday I attended my son’s fifth grad promotion and my daughter’s eighth grade promotion. At one ceremony there were nineteen girls as compared to four boys recognized for academic achievement. At the other event eleven girls and two boys were honored for their grades. It was a visual reminder of how badly we need young boys to rise up and become Godly young men.

As our boys turn 13 we do a rite of passage.  We use the book “Raising a Modern Day Knight “ as a template.   David and I came up with nine character qualities we wanted our sons to have as a foundation when they enter into manhood.  We invited nine adults who work with us at Young Life camp to speak into our son as he goes through the ropes course. They present the character quality, share the corresponding verse we gave them, and add a personal story or reflection that further illustrates what we are talking about. Lastly, they pray with him before he climbs on to the next station.

Mom’s Weekend with son #2!

At the end of the course, David meets him and proclaims he is no longer a boy but a man….a young man still in need of mentoring… but a man. We will not treat him the same nor will he act the same.  Here is where my mothering had to do a 180-degree turn! You see, if my son was now a man, I needed to begin treating him like one.  Things I would never do to my husband, I now had to stop doing with my son!!

Here’s what that looked like:

• No more nagging, begging, prompting to get things done. Allow things not to get done that he needs…a hard change for us moms!!
• Allow natural consequences to do more of the teaching
• Begin to affirm the things he initiates that will make him a Godly husband/father…”Wow I didn’t even have to ask and you….
• Teach, then let him do work ie car, yard, home maintenance/repair with much patience and encouragement
• Point him to his dad with questions, issues and problems that need a father’s guidance without making him feel guilty about this
• Tell him the ways you believe God is using his gifts and talents to prepare him for his life work.
• Encourage him to pray about a mentor to meet with on a regular basis… to share, listen and pray for him.
• Let him begin to talk about girls and what he wants to know from you about how they work…be careful not to rob dad of great talks but rather do good teaching on “this is how that makes us girls feel”
• Lastly, be a safe place for him to begin to own his own faith journey… questions are good and show he’s thinking how God fits into his life. Ask good questions and be ready to give him good resources for the tough thoughts he’s wresting with.

My desire is to support God in my mothering as He grows my son into that strong, confident, courageous and faithful man. Men are definitely under attack today and single women are having a hard time finding men who are brave enough to commit themselves to a lifetime of marriage and parenting.

Please ask God to help all of us mothers support the work He is doing in our boys!!

Have a great day!!

Kelli