The lesson Sheldon taught me about my daughters I’ll never forget

I was in a room with a bunch of men. To be honest, I can’t remember why we were there or who all was present. But I’m glad I was there. One young dad asked a question of Sheldon, one of the older men in the room. He asked, “My daughter is getting older and she’s starting to develop physically. But she still wants to sit on my lap and hug me. Is that ok or should I be trying to stop her?”

They’ll always be daddy’s girls!

I know other dads had the same question, because the room got real quiet. My own daughter was just a young girl, but rumor had it she was going to eventually grow up. So I listened!

“NO!” His forcefulness caught many of us off guard. There was no hesitation. There was no wavering. He was adamant. As our daughters grew up, they would be self-conscious enough about their own bodies. The last thing they needed was to have their father, the most important man in their life, pulling away from them right when they are feel the most insecure about who they are.

The next thing he said, he did so while wildly gesturing. He was poking himself in the chest and grabbing his own arms and saying, “Besides this is how she can appropriately learn about men. You feel differently than she does.” His next statement sealed the deal for me. “Do you want her finding some other man to teach her about men?”

I have six daughters of my own. I have been a surrogate dad for many other young women. I realize it’s a little more complicated than simply hugging your daughter. But dads, there are conversations and acceptance your daughter needs, only you can deliver! What a privileged place.

Here’s what I’ve tried to do (and not very well at times) to live out the lessons I learned that day.

• Date my daughters – my goal has always been one date a month per daughter. I have rarely lived up to that goal. But they have been such wonderful and rich times together. We don’t always talk about serious matters, but it’s always fun.
• Stay engaged physically – as my daughters developed physically, I made it a point to never pull away. I tried my best to send the message, “I’m so glad God created you a woman and you are way more than just a body.”
• I became a student – I was clueless about girls and their development. So I learned. I read books like “Preparing for Adolescence” by James Dobson. A great book for dads with daughters is “Strong Fathers Strong Daughters” by Dr. Meg Meeker.
• I gave my wife permission to help me – rather than consider it nagging, I invited Kelli’s help. I’d come home and she’d tell me, “Your daughter needs time with you.” Rather than taking it as a personal attack, I said thank-you. My theory is Kelli knows a little more about being a woman than I do!

Make sure your little girl hears you say this with your words and with your deeds, “There is no man on earth that loves you as much as I do!” Did you date your daughters? Or did your daddy date you? We’d love to hear from you.

Also, you are going to see some changes in our blog and website in the next couple of days.

Do you know the secret ingredient in every healthy family?

In our experience working with hundreds of families, there is one common denominator in every family that is considered healthy. Yes, that’s a big statement and yet in another sense it’s not a big surprise. Especially as I write this on the eve of Easter. Tomorrow we will celebrate what Jesus Christ did on the cross for each and every one of us. The bad news of the gospel message is because of sin we face a broken relationship with God. The good news of the gospel is the cross makes it possible for that relationship to be restored. That is the Easter celebration!

John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s the gospel message and we can talk more about that another day.

Family relationships can get very complicated

Healthy families, whether they realize it or not, have learned to re-enact the gospel with each other. Healthy families have learned the secret of forgiveness. Every relationship in your family will eventually be broken. It happens because we are human, because we sin, and because we are selfish. Eventually we will hurt each other… guaranteed!

The only question is what we do next. Healthy families, even if they deny the existence of God, learn to follow God’s example. No, we don’t have to die on a cross; Jesus already did that for us. But we do have to apologize, repent, and ask for forgiveness. And then, we have to be willing to extend forgiveness when we are the one wronged. Books have been written on the subject of forgiveness. Let me give you five reasons why it’s so important for families to practice the art of forgiveness.

• The bible clearly instructs us to forgive one another. As God has forgiven us we are to forgive one another. To keep clear with each other isn’t just a good idea, it’s God’s idea.
• We miss out on parts of the relationship when we are burdened with un-forgiveness. When our relationships are tense, it’s hard to enjoy the good things happening in the family. How do you celebrate a victory or an award your sibling receives when there is bitterness in the air?
• Forgiveness is good for the forgiver. Someone once said to withhold forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. Our motive to forgive should be obedience and love of God. However, to carry around un-forgiveness does indeed eat away at us.
• It prepares us for the coming storms. Every family experiences storms. Your family’s ability to successfully weather the storms increases exponentially if you have practiced the principle of forgiveness. You personally could find yourself at the eye of the storm. If you have unresolved conflicts with the rest of the clan it’s hard to reach out to them for support. We have an e-book coming out shortly on family storms.
• There is an enemy and he will do anything to keep you from forgiving one another. The last thing satan wants is a for a watching world to see a family modeling the gospel message with each other.

This Easter season, be grateful for the forgiveness we find in the cross. Then, practice forgiveness with those in your family. Do you need to apologize for something? Do you need to forgive someone? Do it today.

We are moving our blog and website one more time in the next several days. It shouldn’t affect anything on your end, but just in case we wanted to give all of you a heads up. Thanks for reading and please share this with a friend.

 

What do you think?

We’d love to know you better so we can better serve you. Would you please take 2 minutes to answer 10 multiple choice questions. Thank-you in advance for being a part of our Pritchard Ministries family.

Follow this link: Pritchard Ministry Survey

Remember we’d love to hear from you if you ever have any questions or topics you’d like to see us cover. Also, if you haven’t already please sign up to follow our blog. It quick and easy and you’ll be sent an email every time we post a new article.

Blessings,

David & Kelli

 

The most important character quality to teach your child athlete

 

I (David) remember the scene well. Our oldest son Tavita, was crouched on the sideline with his head down. He was discouraged after losing our third game in a row. After a promising start to the season, he was taking more than his fair share of the blame for our losses. Now he didn’t feel like he could face our fans for the post-game thank-yous.

Celebrating with Tavita after beating our rivals just 2 weeks after the devastating loss

Maybe you’ve heard it said; athletics teaches character. Or perhaps you’ve benefited from the teachable moments sports can afford. Or you might be that parent intent on using athletics and not letting athletics use your kid. Regardless, have you ever considered what the most important thing you want your child to take away from athletics? At the very least, what is the one critical character quality athletics has a way of teaching your child, perhaps better than anything else?

In athletics, as in life, you need character. Certainly we want to teach our children Godly character. Sports is a great place to learn things like hard work, teamwork, diligence, sacrifice etc. But these character qualities require one particular character in order to be lived out – and that’s the character of self-control. Think about it, we know what we need to do; we just need the self-discipline to actually do it. If your child isn’t interested in athletics, whatever activity they are involved in, make sure they’re learning self-control.

Here are some practical ways for your athlete to learn self-control:

• Go to practice – make sure they go on time and ready to work especially when they don’t feel like it. Once the newness and excitement of joining the team leaves, what is left often times is the self-control to keep at it.
• 24 Hour Rule – After a loss or a big win we gave our kids 24 hours to deal with the emotion. They couldn’t be mean or disrespectful, but we allowed them a little space to process and get control.
• Partner with their coaches – We know you are going to struggle with some coaches (read our blog on coaches). Be wise but don’t rescue your child every time they disagree with what the coach has done. Often the character gained is far more valuable than the playing time they missed.
• Let them know you are in their corner – in the story I told above, I wanted to help Tavita escape embarrassment, but I knew it was a defining moment. I told him there would be better days. I also told him I’d go with him. We loved going to watch our kids when they won. But we knew it was more important to be there when they lost or if they got beat out or when they were discouraged.

We love athletics and what it has taught our kids. We’re not happy with some of the ways it seems to be trending. We continue to believe it’s an incredible tool to teach your child character… especially if you have the self-control to journey through it with them.

What was the greatest sports moment for your child? What was the hardest? What was your response?

5 Things my husband taught me about mothering our sons

“He will not call you or answer your calls like the girls do!” my husband David said! I was surprised and hurt at this suggestion!! Our third child, but first son, was leaving for college and David was trying to prepare me for the differences between sons and daughters leaving home.

With Tana during mom’s weekend

Our first to go were girls, our two daughters. I talked with them practically every day. Not long conversations, just quick updates on something fun or hard or new or surprising… just a touch point… a connection. I could not imagine this son of mine was leaving after 18 years and might not respond to my calls in this same fashion!! Even more disturbing was David’s suggestion (ok maybe a little stronger than a suggestion) I not call him!!

It was a defining moment in my mothering of sons. I had a close, loving, respectful and what I would consider influential relationship with my son. My emotions fought to argue; but a gentle, soft voice in me knew I was entering new territory.

I am so thankful I made a decision long ago in my marriage to invite David in to coach me on things he knew more about than me; how to be a man was one of those things!!

At puberty (13), at the conclusion of our sons’ rite of passage, David declares our boys to be men; young men still in need of parenting and direction, but men. He explains we will now treat them differently and they will now act differently because they are men!! For me it meant I no longer was to manage their lives. Yes, I still parented, but natural consequences did more of the teaching and the disciplining. I might say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” But my job was not to nag, punish or reward them for things they could clearly do on their own.

Here are 5 things David taught me about mothering our sons after their rite of passage.

1)Use a tone of respect in conversation; speak directly and teach rather than condescend and judge.

2)Teach him about the differences between male and female wiring – how his dad’s male wiring has influenced me by broadening my perspective. How I love being valued and protected by a man.

3)Affirm his manliness by asking him for his opinions, for help requiring brute strength and catching and praising him for doing things a good husband and father would do.

4)Remind him he is way more than just a sexual being. He’s intelligent, emotional, spiritual, relational, and goal oriented. To not let women use or evaluate him as a sexual performer or consumer.

5)Lastly, I could follow his father because his father was following Christ. Jesus alone has the plan and the basis for who he is. He is the one who gives you what you need to weather the storms of life. Give Him all the glory.

I am so grateful my husband is my best coach on how to mother our sons. And the bonus is, I get to sleep with the coach. Today my sons call and talk for a while. They answer all my questions and they even tell me they love me!!

Have you seen a difference raising your sons vs. your daughters? What’s your favorite tip for mothers with sons? Remember to sign up to follow our blog.

How I almost lost my future wife and what I did to keep her

“I’m sorry I just don’t think I can do this anymore.” Those weren’t the words I wanted to hear coming out of the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Our relationship was great (I thought). We were in love and planning to marry in a few months. This conversation took place while visiting my parent’s home, the house I grew up in. How could things be that bad and why now of all times.

 

The day that might never have happened!

Kelli proceeded to tell me how our family’s humor, ok more specifically my humor, hurt her feelings. I should explain; I grew up in a home where sarcasm was somewhat a way of life. My best friend in high school and I were hilarious, you just had to ask us. Unfortunately, much of our humor was at someone else’s expense. It honestly was meant innocently enough. And until this moment with my fiancé, it didn’t occur to me I was hurting anyone.

It shouldn’t have surprised me. After all, the root word for sarcasm means the ripping and tearing of flesh. So with that conversation as a wake-up call, I committed to make some changes. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure I had many slip ups. Almost overnight, I found I didn’t need to hurt someone to be funny. The truth is, I was never all that funny; now I was also not all that mean.

More importantly, on June 26, 1982 I had the privilege of marrying my best friend. As we started our family, we did so without sarcasm as the norm. Instead we worked hard to replace it with the Godly character quality of kindness. We haven’t been perfect by any stretch, but it would have been impossible had Kelli and I not worked it out first. Here are a few practical tips if you want to make some changes in this area.

• For inspiration read Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 11:17, and Colossians 3:12. There are many others but that’s a good start.
• Consider creating a “DIS” jar. Every time someone says something mean (DIS-paraging), you have to drop a quarter in the jar. Use the money for a family ice cream outing.
• If you are married the two of you commit to being kind to each other. Make it a game you can extend to your kids. If either of you says something mean (even in jest) you have to say two nice things about the other.
• Family Meeting. This is always the best place to cast vision and give some initial instruction. Read our blog about family meetings.
• Teach kind ways to have fun and to laugh (ie. laughing at traits common to man)

The most important thing is don’t lose heart and don’t give up. You won’t change overnight, but from experience I can tell you it’s worth it. Does your family have some fun ideas to encourage kindness? What was your experience growing up? Make sure you register to follow our blog. You will receive an email when new articles post.

5 Gifts for Mothers of Young Children

Today I finally got a shower at 3:30 pm!! My day started at 6:15 am. How could this be! I was reminded of the incredible work of countless mothers of infants and young children today. I was caring for my 4 grandchildren all under 3 with the help of several of my adult children that were coming and going. I remembered those days of waking early, dressing children, feeding, playing, laying them down to sleep, feeding, playing, napping again and then getting dinner on and ready for the rest of the family to come home.

Yes, it is different when you are the grandmother. I consider myself Version 12.0! My 11 children have exposed, pruned and grown me in ways that nothing else could. But even as I showered with the day half over I thought about what I wanted to say to you, my heroes!! Grab a cup of coffee and pull up a chair. I want to offer 5 gifts for you today:

• Permission to take care of yourself spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually and relationally. Time goes so fast. Please make time for this self-care. You will feel better and respond to all life throws at you.
• Permission to not be perfect in your mothering, housekeeping, etc. We are called to be faithful, not perfect. Be characterized most of the time by what you believe to be right, don’t be legalistic. What helped me as time went on was thinking about what I wanted my children to remember about their childhood.
• Permission to stay connected to your best friend, the father of your children. This is obviously for those that are married. Your kids will leave you, your husband stays till death do you part. You cannot separate this relationship from your mothering. If you really love your children, you will work hard at not drifting apart because of the busyness of life.
• Permission to be transformed through your children. Thank you for having them. Many couples today are choosing otherwise. They expose, prune and grow you in wonderful and sometimes hard ways! Be grateful to the Lord for every lesson they teach you!! God put you together as parent and child for a reason. He has a plan and so much of what I look back on now; I see He had way different priorities than I did as a young mother!!
• Permission to enjoy your children. Laugh lots with them. Build forts, make play dough, let them cook with you, play hide and seek, go on adventures even if is just to walk around the block. Say things like, ”I had you to be with you” and “Hurry home to me”!! Slow down and wait for them. Thank them for all God is teaching you through them!! Most of all, let them know your life will be forever changed because of the gift they are to you!!

Thank you again for mothering. I pray you will receive these gifts and be blessed by all those little ones God has entrusted into your care. What gifts are you giving yourself as you mother young children? Or what gifts would you give to a young mother coming up behind you? Let us hear from you!! And please share this with a mother that could use a gift today.

Why you should raise all your kids to be a quarterback

“That’s it! I’m going to raise a quarterback.” I remember the day I made that bold and naive statement. I was coaching at a high school in southwest Washington. The coaches had just come off the field and we were frustrated at how little our quarterbacks seemed to understood the basic elements of playing that key position. My oldest son Tavita was in 4^th grade so I made the decision I was going to raise him to be a quarterback. What I discovered changed my parenting forever.

“Coach” Tavita on the sideline with Andrew Luck

As I looked into what it took to be a great quarterback most of what I read about had nothing to do with throwing or running with a football. Obviously a quarterback had to be able to throw and have some athletic ability. But I heard most often about were things like, leadership, confidence, self-control, able to handle pressure, decision making, smart, tough, respected, integrity. Doesn’t that sound more like someone running for president? Or maybe you shouldn’t answer that question.

I’ve had the privilege of coaching my three oldest boys. They have all been quarterbacks. In fact, 9 out of the last 10 years our high school team has had a Pritchard at quarterback. The oldest, Tavita was blessed with some physical abilities that enabled him to make it to the college level as a quarterback. He started two years at Stanford University. He would have been the most experienced quarterback in the Pac-10 his senior year. That is until he lost his spot to a freshman kid named Andrew Luck.

Today Tavita coaches the quarterbacks at Stanford. So he flies all over the country looking for young men that possess all these qualities. Of course most kids aren’t destined to be the next Andrew Luck. In fact most kids won’t end up playing quarterback for their high school team, much less in college or the pros. In their research, for the book Revolutionary Parenting, the Barna group discovered that 100% of the parents of Spiritual Champions (a term they coined) said teaching Godly character was the most important thing. So yes, you should raise your kids to be a quarterback – just feel free to skip the football drills!

Let me leave you with the big three. All the character qualities are important, but we have found these three to be the most critical when it comes to raising spiritual champions (or quarterbacks).

• Self-control – we actually teach this as one of the three most important things to teach your child. It takes self-control to live out the other character qualities.
• Leadership – we are raising “nice” Christian kids. We want kids to be kind, but we also want them to stand up and lead, especially when so many are following the wrong voices.
• Integrity – lining up what they know in their head, with what they believe in their heart, with what they do in their actions.

With or without a football, these are great qualities to parent into our children. Start early and don’t give up. Maybe you’ll never have a quarterback, but you’ll have something better – a spiritual champion.

Do you agree with our “Big Three” or do you have a different three? We’d love to hear from you. Also, if you subscribe to our blog you will receive an email every time we post a new article.

5 Questions to help you through those Tense Talks with your Teenager

I (Kelli) could feel my heart begin to beat harder. I’m sure there was sweat forming on my brow. My high school freshmen daughter was sharing the discussion her teammates were having on the bus ride home from their game. The conversation had been graphic and sexual.  She had questions about what these girls were saying.  She was trying to process all she had heard. I kept thinking, “This isn’t exactly how I wanted her to learn about these matters.”

Maybe you’ve experienced something like this or maybe you’re worried one day you will. What do we do when our teenagers come to us with “shocking” information? Like the time my son told us kids at school had offered him drugs. What do you say?

Parenting exposes us in so many unique ways.  Sometimes the things our teens present us will push on areas we might be struggling with or feel inadequate in or simply unprepared to address.  

I am way better if I have a chance to process with David and think through my responses. But sometimes, like on this occasion with my daughter, I didn’t have time for either.  She wanted to know truth. And it’s not that we hadn’t considered the tension in teaching sexuality because we certainly had. But suddenly I was presented with a hard conversation and no time to prepare.

When these moments happen, and they will, here are five questions to have ready. They will help your teen process what is going on and more importantly help them begin to learn how to process independently. After all, the goal is for our teens to be self-governing and be able to navigate these waters without us (but that’s a topic for another blog). Keep in mind this isn’t an exhaustive list. These will just help get you started.

1. What do you think is the right thing to do? 

 

2. What parts of this can you own?
3. How can dad and I help you?
4. What does God think? Do you mind if I pray for you?
5. What do you think dad and I think about this and why do you think we have landed there? 

Again, there are certainly more and perhaps better questions. The point is, how we respond when our teen comes to us will determine whether or not they come back the next time. Practice saying, “That’s interesting, tell me more,” and “thank-you for inviting us into this with you.” 

This privileged place is not permission to lecture or to tell our kids what to think, but rather to really listen and learn what they are saying to themselves about what has happened. How much better when they ask us, “Mom, dad, what do you think?”

 And remember, it’s not just behavior we are after, we are after the heart of our teen, and that too is a topic for another day. What has been the most shocking news your teen has brought to you? What did you do when it happened? We’d love to hear from you.

How to raise kids that are HONEST and KIND with each other.

Our oldest daughter was the first to leave home for college. A thousand miles away she called us. “Mom, dad,” she said, “My professor is 180 degrees diametrically opposed to everything you’ve ever taught me.” We had to think quickly. If we over-reacted she might never feel safe in sharing the truth with us again. If we didn’t react at all, she might think we actually agreed with her professor. It was time to practice what we’d always preached.

When Ephesians 4 speaks of growing mature in every way it says we must, “speak the truth in love.” But many times one or the other pulls for our affection. If we’ve been hurt, we want truth. We want the hammer of justice to come down hard on the person who has wronged us. If we’ve done the hurting then we say, “God is love. You have to forgive me.” Which is right? And the answer is… yes!

Teaching our kids to be HONEST and KIND isn’t done overnight. Here are six keys:

• You must model it. You knew that was coming. If you two are screaming at each don’t expect your kids to be nice to each other. Or how about this one. Have you ever said seriously, “don’t tell your father”?
• Be HONEST. This is like the first one. You must practice being truthful to your kids. When they are young do you tell them little “white lies” because it’s easier than the truth? It’s ok to say, I’ll tell you more when the time is right. But to say, “I don’t know” if you do, or “they were out,” when they weren’t, eventually catches up to you. Tell them the truth, even when it’s hard.
• Be KIND. I remember the days of yelling at my kids. Most of the time, I was probably right. They should have listened or stopped or done what I asked. But as we learned to parent with a gently and loving voice we began teaching our kids kindness. Because true kindness isn’t just when everything is great. In fact you can discipline nicely. “I’m so sorry you chose to do that. We really wanted you to be able to be with us, but now you are going to have to stay home.”
• Place value in HONEST and KIND. If you’re like me you’re going to mess up with your spouse or your kids. If it’s important, then it’s important enough to say I’m sorry, please forgive me.
• Teach them what to say and how to say it. Teach your kids phrases for how they might approach a hard conversation. If they need to tell someone something truthful but hard, coach them up.
• Use family meetings and after dinner conversation to cast vision. Family meetings are great opportunities to ask, “What kind of a family do we want to be.” It’s hard to always be honest, but if you’ve decided together as a family, “We are going to do this,” it’s way more likely to happen.

It’s almost a lost art to speak truth in love. As a culture we are angry. So when we speak truth we feel justified to do so in anger. Ephesians 4 doesn’t give you license to be “brutally” honest with those closest to you. On the other hand if we choose to be kind we assume it means we can’t be honest. Instead let’s teach our kids to be HONEST with each other and to do it with KINDNESS! How have you seen this lived out in your home? What helped your kids live out Ephesians 4?